


이 자리에 (always)

by angstoverload (TypicalAuthornim)



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park comes in way later, Angst, Best Friends, Canon Universe, Coincidental Headcanon, Complicated - Freeform, Disbanded Wanna One, Friendship, Love is complicated, M/M, Mentions of Hotshot, Mentions of Nu'est - Freeform, Misunderstandings, Ongniel is not a ship, Their Love Is So, and Daniel's too soft a man to not realize, basically Jaehwan keeps wondering and never does anything, first time with nielhwan bc of Wanna One Go where i realized they always room together in Hotels, holy shit why am i so sadist, hopeless love, im sorry again x1000, like one word mentions im sorry, post disbandment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-02-10 00:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12900276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalAuthornim/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: jaehwan is sure he cannot handle it anymore, but when does his heart ever listen to him?or, where jaehwan's feelings for daniel are complicated, their whole relationship is one big question mark, and things get hard because of that.(the fic which no one asked for but im writing it anyway)





	1. don't wanna get any closer

**Author's Note:**

> NIELHWAN FTW
> 
> yes, i noticed nielhwan bc of Wanna One Go, where i realized the possibility of them always rooming together. and what does that trigger in my mind? unrequited love and angst.
> 
> im really sorry, wannables, for always writing sad fics :< i do want to write happy fluff but ive grown so used to writing angst that i cannot........ i promise to write cute fluff to contribute to the wanna one tag someday!

 

 

Jaehwan likes to think that he knew how it would end before it happened. As if the numbers on his mind-- like everyone-- weren’t proof enough.

 

They were told to have no strings attached, because they weren’t going to be a group lasting forever, they weren’t going to live the cramped dorm till forever. They weren’t going to pursue a career in the music industry under the name Wanna One after the contract is over, no matter how much the fans want. It was a strict, clear and precise agreement, and Jaehwan had fixed in his mind to enjoy anything and everything he can in this little time of a year and a half of promotions. Who knows if he would survive as an artist without Wanna One; he was at a risk without the name. So he had it in mind to have a taste of what living like an idol felt like.

 

That did not include anything about falling for one of his own teammates.

 

He wonders how he got the time to fall into place in Daniel’s life, amidst his desire to just enjoy this life and worry about his future.

 

It’s really fascinating, because as easy as it is to play around and make fun of others and act shameless, especially with Daniel-- the only one of his age-- it feels just feels as easy as that to look at him in a _very_ different way.

 

Daniel, his same-aged friend, the one who he relies on the most, the one who’s always there for him. The one who has too good and big of a heart that just takes everything and gives back almost double the amount.

 

There isn’t an exact point where Jaehwan knew that Daniel became someone very precious to him, someone close to his heart, but he likes to think of that day when they went out for a drink alone as a start. It wasn’t anything extravagant, just him and Daniel, and a few beer bottles from the convenience store. It was somewhere between their second and third comeback-- the only time they took some rest.

 

“Hwan-ah,” Daniel had started, and Jaehwan could tell from the tone of his voice that he was starting to get tipsy. He tries to ignore the bubble in his heart at the mention of the nickname, something only between them. “Don’t you wish we all stayed together? Like all the other idol groups?”

 

Jaehwan wants to yell at him, cry that _yes, yes I do want that_ , but settles for a nod instead, suppressing all his frustration.

 

“This sucks, doesn’t it?” Daniel continues, looking at the sky above.

 

It’s one in the night, a time where the city is barely alive, and when they could actually be out in the open like this. For Jaehwan, the waking hours of the city felt like a mob of people waiting for them intimidatingly. He had indeed did some open ground busking here and there, but it wasn’t like he was a famous star back then. Now-- now he was the 4th rank in this temporary group created as a means of viewer ratings, talent and survival. Jaehwan is still pretty surprised at his own ranking, even after it had been months-- eight, to be exact. Eight months and ten days.

 

He nods for Daniel’s question again, not wanting to give a worded answer, afraid if his voice would give up on his facade. It was all he ever did-- put up a facade so that no one would know his insecurities. Smile, and no one questions. Look happy, no one really cares about you. Expressing feelings only ended up in getting hurt, or getting lost, so this was a much better compensation.

 

“What do you think all of us would be doing? Minhyun hyung and Sungwoon hyung have their futures fixed, but us? We were all only trainees, hoping for a solid debut and a happy life, right?”

 

Jaehwan wants to deny. No, he wasn’t a trainee under any company when he audition for the show. He had only made his parents worried, because they didn't know if he had the scope to get chosen. Compared to the rest, he had it _harder_. He wasn’t backed by any big shot company, no choreographer taught him complex moves when he auditioned for Produce 101. It was just him-- just him and his guitar, in rented studios, busking out with his band-mates yet feeling insecure, failures after failures, in and out of contracts until he came here to take up the position of the main vocal that everyone would talk about. 

 

So, for him, it's really fucking unfair.

 

“Would we still be together after this ends?” He continues much to Jaehwan’s annoyance. “Will we be able to even see each other? We can’t, right? This media and shit wouldn't let us do that.”

 

Jaehwan nods yet again, the reality striking his heart harshly, like an iron rod brandishing his skin, imprinting a firm memory. Even if they were to stay together, the media is cruel and will stir up so many rumors and speculations that they will get tired of it and break apart eventually. That was what all of them were-- a media play to entertain the young public. 11 lives thrown under the bus to make girls and boys scream and idolize them.

 

And again, it’s really fucking unfair.

 

“But,” Daniel continues, finding Jaehwan’s hand. It feels reassuring, and strangely warm. Jaehwan wonders if he’s going to run a fever. “But I hope we’ll stay together. You and me.”

 

That makes Jaehwan freeze more than he thought he would. Daniel mentioned just him? Not Jisung, not Seongwoo, but him?

 

“Me?” He asks again, just to make sure he didn’t hear it wrong.

 

Daniel laughs, leaning onto his shoulder (Jaehwan ignores the way his heart goes in a dozen ways), and nods. “Yes. Us. Who else would I tell?”

 

“Well, I don’t know…” Jaehwan hums in thought, trying to think of _reasons_ as to why he and Daniel aren’t exactly the closest. “Seongwoo hyung? Or Jisung hyung?”

 

“They’re… well, I am with them all the time, yes,” He shrugs, sounding like agreeing to it. “But… but there’s something that separates them from me.”

 

“Age?”

 

“Well, that’s one,” Daniel replies. “But another thing is, I can’t tell them _anything_ I tell you. Like this, I can’t tell this to their face, because they’re older than me and I have to give them their respect. But with you… with you, I feel like I’m at home.”

 

That, those words pretty much shake him up. _Home?_ Was he even conscious of what he was saying? _Kim Jaehwan_ , a complete stranger who only shared the same age with him, felt like _home?_

 

“What are--”

 

“I actually feel like I’m at my home, talking to my classmates, not having to think about respecting or getting respect, and it’s nice being around you. I like you.”

 

“ _What_ \--”

 

“A lot,” Daniel says, not paying any heed to his cut-off questions and snuggles closer. “I’d want us to stay like this forever.”

 

It is at that moment that Kim Jaehwan realizes, that he _can_ have someone close to his heart, even with all the distrusting circumstances that surrounded his life.

 

He leans back, trying to keep the tears in, but they fall out anyway. From then, it just never stopped. Not until he fell asleep, not even remembering to go downstairs, not bothering the humid winds of the April night.

 

\- - -

 

Everyone tries to ignore the damned last date, going about and thinking of a lifetime of Wanna One, but Jaehwan realized that this has to end. It’s better to cut attached strings now than wait till it strains and snaps.

 

But Jisung seemed to have realized that even before him. Maybe that's why he called everyone to gather at the living room, exactly a month before everything would end.

 

“I was going to sleep, hyung,” Jihoon whines, leaning on Woojin’s shoulder, hands wrapped around his waist. Somehow, Jaehwan could feel it actually hurt him, because-- just because. “What is it?”

 

“It’s--”

 

Jaehwan’s eyes are trailed on Daniel, who looks at Jisung intently, seeming to have sensed his discomfort.

 

“It’s about us,” Jaehwan takes over, earning a thankful glance from the eldest. “All of us know what I-- he means.”

 

At the mere mention of it, everyone straightens, all sleepiness gone and tension hovering over their heads like a gloomy cloud. He could see Jihoon slowly withdrawing his hands away, Daehwi slowly moving away from Jinyoung, Minhyun looking anywhere but at the rest. He thinks Guanlin is going to cry, but doubts it to be the light shifting.

 

And Daniel is actually crying.

 

He attempts to hide behind Jisung in vain, pretending to rub his eyes off ‘dust’, but everyone in the room knows how sensitive he is. Contrary to his almost scary physical looks, his heart is soft.

 

Maybe too soft, Jaehwan wonders. Maybe too soft that he gives it out without thinking, ending up crying almost every time, but never learning from it.

 

In every way, Daniel was and is still a kid, genuine at heart in everything he does. It almost scares Jaehwan, how much he puts trust in people immediately. On the contrary, Jaehwan thinks he grew up a little too early, and now tries to make up for the lost days in vain. The meager time he can remember from his childhood is filled with friends, family and his burning passion. He couldn’t remember what his life before this was, could not even if he tried his very best. They say you tend to have your childhood relayed as dreams, but even then Jaehwan had only dreamt of his training periods. He never knew a life beyond that, or never bothered to remember it.

 

Yet, he feels his tears fall, too.

 

Jisung is visibly flustered at Jaehwan almost crying (because Kang Daniel crying was probably a fortnightly thing for Jisung), and tries to lighten the atmosphere by laughing, and it sounds very fake and very, _very_ heartless.

 

Jaehwan snaps out of it, hastily trying to wipe his wet face in vain. Everything he did was in vain, anyway.

 

“C’mon, all of you, are you gonna sulk over this over our last month? Really?” Seongwoo interrupts, pushing himself to the center of the gathering. “You guys are really no fun!”

 

“As if you’re any funny,” Daniel retorts through wet chuckles, smiling genuinely even if he probably feels like his heart is being ripped. Yet again.

 

“Then why are all of you sitting like something really bad happened? It’s not like we would never see each other again after this! We’ve been together for a year and a half, hyung, isn’t that enough to have built a good relationship?” Woojin peeks in too, hand reaching behind him for Jihoon’s.

 

Reassurance, Jaehwan identifies easily. Everyone knows the inevitable truth; it’s just reassurance to themselves.

 

“Our last--” Jisung takes a pause to clear his throat-- and Jaehwan’s pretty sure everyone are gonna end up crying into their pillows tonight-- and continues, “Our comeback is gonna come soon, and I don’t think we’ll get time after that to talk like this. That’s why I called everyone.”

 

“Talk what?” Jinyoung asks with wide eyes. “About the comeback?”

 

“About each other,” Jihoon clarifies, sending an assuring smile to Jisung. “Because we’d never get the chance to, anymore.”

 

Jaehwan thinks-- _believes_ that it is the inevitable truth.

 

\- - -

 

It was, indeed, the inevitable truth.

 

Jaehwan wonders how long it had been since he met any of the others; it’s been two long years since everything about Wanna One ended. His life remained pretty much the same: he enjoyed the spotlight as he wished, recognized as one of the strongest vocalists in the industry. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. The crowd is still intimidating to him, but the little messages from the rest-- whenever they get time, that is-- are good enough for him to brave it.

 

Kim Jaehwan, a recognized solo artist.

 

At first, it was really scary and sad, is what he’d tell. He had debuted almost right after Wanna One; maybe a gap of two months was what he got, and even in that he had to go through practice over and over. He had got his own compact apartment near the company, easy for him to travel back and forth. He had his first mini album released, and is preparing for his full studio album after releasing another mini album and two singles. He was kind of a known face in the industry, occasionally praised for his vocal abilities. He had steadily participated in those idol singing competitions, earning a name for himself.. Everything is going well, he thinks as he falls on the couch as soon as he enters the house.

 

 _House_. He could never call it his home, because he thinks his home is with ten other boys, or back with his family. Anyway, he would definitely call both places home, but this? Never.

 

It takes a long while for him to take his phone, almost dozing off before his phone goes off.

 

Someone’s calling him? _Him?_ Even his parents barely call him, so who else could it be?

 

“Jisung hyung?” He wonders as the name displays on his mobile screen, and answers it absent-mindedly. Why would Jisung call him at-- he pauses to crane his neck and look at the clock-- almost midnight? He doesn’t remember their last conversation; was it him congratulating Jisung’s group on their comeback? Or was it the elder who wished him on his win at the music show?

 

“Hyung? What is it?” He asks, lying on his back so that he stares at the ceiling.

 

Jisung usually never calls him, schedules almost always clashing with each other’s free time. Jaehwan might be busy with promotions and Jisung might have all the time in his hand; that goes the other way round too. He’s actually thankful to Jisung that even with all of the hectic work, he still keeps in contact with him. He was one of the members who kept steady contact with him, really, apart from Minhyun and Daehwi, who avidly use social media. And so, were also readily texting him whenever they can. Minhyun kees in touch with him more out of habit and care than Daehwi, who just never learns how to forget people. Or maybe he doesn’t know; maybe Daehwi could have the same intentions too.

 

There’s a cough, and a muffled grumble on the other side,and that raises his suspicions. “Hello? Jisung hyung?”

 

He hears the voice of the last person he thought he’d ever talk to in his life again.

 

“ _No,_ ”

 

Jaehwan feels a knife piercing its way through his chest, right for his heart.

 

“ _I’m… I’m Daniel._ ”

 

\- - -

///

 

_To say that the end was easy would be a lie. Of course it was hard on everyone. Everyone had cried that night; everyone had parted with a heavy heart._

 

_“Ah, our Wannable…” Jisung is the one leading the speech, like he always does. “We’ll really miss our Wannables, so much.”_

 

_The crowd is crying, too, and maybe that strikes everyone in the heart. Daniel is hiding his face in Seongwoo’s shoulder, probably sobbing hard. Of course he’d cry so much; he had a heart too soft, and gave it out so easily; of course he’d cry so much._

 

_Jaehwan finds himself walking to Daniel, trying to assure comfort to him. After all, they were the only ones in the group who were of the same age. And overtime, they had gotten closer than anyone else had._

 

_It lied in the little things they did for each other-- staying up while Jaehwan racked his brain over not getting inspiration to finish his song; dragging Daniel out of the practice room whenever he practiced way too much; accompanying each other during their hard moments, even if their rooms weren’t the same; being each other’s shoulder to lean on when everything became too hard. That was what they were._

 

_Jaehwan was scared if that is what they’d ever be, but in the end it turned out to be exactly what he feared._

 

_As much as they got closer, he could see how much Daniel adored Seongwoo, how much they fit each other like a completed puzzle, so much that without each other, they weren’t themselves. Jaehwan knew he had no chance, but he didn’t know it’d be this painful to realize that, when it’s right before your eyes._

 

_He wishes he could erase everything he felt for Daniel as a whole, and just be like the strangers they were before they saw each other. He wishes it would be that easy. Wishes if he could forget as a whole, just to save the heartbreak._

 

_Even now, he had seeked out to Seongwoo first._

 

_He feels awkward, as if intruding something which he wasn’t supposed to do. He withdraws his hand from Daniel’s back, deciding to go back and save himself from the awkwardness in the air._

 

_And just like that, he walked away from his epiphany named Kang Daniel._

 

\\\\\

\- - -

 

“D-Daniel--?” He squeaks out, exhaustion flying far away and body working itself to sit upright automatically. His mind was in a rush, his heart sped up at an abnormal pace.

 

All because of _one_ name.

 

“ _Yeah…_ ” Daniel continues on the other side. “ _H-How are--_ ” He pauses, and there’s sounds of shuffling here and there. “ _How are you?_ ”

 

For a while, it’s absolutely silent. Jaehwan feels the need to breathe, his lungs sucking the last bits of air he inhaled a minute ago. He doesn’t hear anything from the other side.

 

It feels almost surreal.

 

“I’m…” He stops, wondering what he was going to say.

 

Was he fine? No, he doesn’t think so. Ever since Wanna One ended, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt fine; the smiles on TV were just crowd pleasers, nothing else. He’s sure that if anyone close to him saw it, they could make it out almost immediately. He wonders if Daniel realized that; wonders if he ever saw him properly enough to make that out.

 

“ _You’re..?_ ”

 

Before he could reply, however, he could hear even more shuffling and a voice too familiar to not know.

 

“ _Yah, Kang Daniel! How many times have I told you to not steal my phone and run off like this!_ ”

 

It feels a bit all too familiar that he couldn’t help but smile.

 

“ _I wasn’t even doing anything! I was just--!_ ”

 

And the call ends, right then and there.

 

That night, Jaehwan doesn’t sleep. Even if he tries, the call keeps revolving around his mind, making him stay wide awake. He knew he had a performance tomorrow-- a busking show at some shopping mall-- and knew he needed enough rest, but everything felt too jarring and strange for him to even feel the exhaustion he felt as he entered the house.

 

In the back of his mind, he wonders if Daniel was like him, too-- unable to sleep and think anything else but the call. And Daniel. He wonders if he had ever stopped thinking about him. And somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks he didn't. He never controlled his feelings, just hid them away in a deep corner and vowed to never look back. That was what he needed to move on in life.

 

Did he move on, though?

 

He wonders now, if he had ever moved on from the past. Regrets from the past still cling onto his heart, begging for his attention.

 

He wants to be better, to have everyone acknowledge that he's better now. For that, he's ready to sacrifice his heart. That is why he hid his feelings, fearing that his growth to be  _better_ would stop. But what did being  _better_ really meant?

 

Now that he looks for an answer, he realizes that he never had it. He thought that avoiding anything harmful to the relationships around him would make him derail from his track, fall down and never get back up. His feelings for Daniel felt like the same-- a warning, and an obstacle: a warning for himself; an obstacle in their relationship.

 

All he wanted was to not get hurt. That is what being  _better_  meant for Jaehwan four years ago.

 

But what can he do to soothe the pain that's ripping his chest apart? What can he do for a pain he can't even diagnose? What can he do for a love that can never come true?

 

He wonders if he could ever get a chance to try and be with him, if he ever can. Realizes that the chances are dwindling low, very low. He might as well give up on it. He thinks he does, when he goes to take a bath and retire to bed.

 

As he forces himself to sleep, there's a feeble voice at the back of his mind saying " _Yes, you can do it_." What it meant is still a question to him, but he doesn't care too much about it, and pushes it away, just like he had done for everything else that came in his way.

 

He needed himself to be safe before thinking of keeping anyone else safe.


	2. i'll forget you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa the comments i got really made me smile a lot :D thank you so much for liking the fic!
> 
> here's daniel's pov of the situation
> 
> please do read the end notes, i have something to say

 

 

Daniel knew it was wrong; wrong to have such strong... _something_ for someone he barely knew apart from the relationship of colleagues, but apparently that is how love worked. That’s how his heart worked, and he wanted to beat himself up for it. He knows he'll never forgive himself for the heartbreak he's going to have.

 

It isn't like he doesn't know what heartbreak is. He had dated a fair share in his life, but heartbreak was something he’d never get used to. The last girl he had dated-- Yoonhee-- had just told him to grow up.

 

He feels he stopped growing up after a point: even though his physical features were scarily strong, he felt like a weakling at heart. _Sleeve full of hearts to give to anyone and everyone,_ that’s what Jisung tells him anyway, when he had come back crying once because one of his ‘friends’-- or so he thought-- had betrayed him; had planned to make him miss the monthly evaluation and be kicked out of the company. It was really bad, yes, he felt helpless and so down that he did bad at the evaluations because he got sick (he stayed, and thus became the center of Wanna One). But that was when he realized that not everyone around him are kind and good-hearted. There are people who are angry, jealous of him and envying him, and he just has to learn how to live with them.

 

But it wasn't that easy. Since he was a kid, he had always been taught to express his love-- that the world he creates for himself will always be good. Now, he wonders if anything he was taught was ever true.

 

He learns it the hard way that letting anyone in his heart isn't always going to end nice, and the one who taught him?

 

Kim Jaehwan.

 

No, Jaehwan had never hurt him (Daniel doubts if he would ever), but his actions alone told him that he wasn't ready to accept Daniel as someone special in his life. It wasn't easy for Jaehwan, Daniel knew that, because he wasn't assured of a financially stable career after Wanna One. Sure, he had signed a contract with a company, but what’s the guarantee? There is no guarantee until he sees it for himself.

 

Daniel knew that Jaehwan was afraid of anything and everything around him, unlike himself who trusted everything easily.

 

Daniel wonders if he could ever gain Jaehwan’s trust, because he still feels like he hadn’t got it yet. Although Jaehwan is pretty outgoing, there’s a wall up around him that no one can get through-- or see. Daniel, for all of his life, had been around people with such walls, from play school till Produce 101, so he can recognize it easily.

 

The question is whether he’d be able to let himself through it.

 

That April night, he didn't know what surged through him. It's only usual for the two to go out for a drink together, it wasn't anything new. They’d been doing it since the early days of Produce 101, wanting to spend time with someone they’re comfortable with. It wasn’t that frequent during that time, but what was stopping them now? They were good friends and close colleagues now, even if its just for a year and a half.

 

Not to mention that Daniel liked spending time with Jaehwan. There was something about Jaehwan that made him comfortable and letting him feel at ease. Something about him just felt like _home_. A place where he can trust and confide in, that’s what Jaehwan felt like.

 

But just how long will this stay? How long will _they_ stay?

 

Daniel knows; he knows that it’s going to end, but he likes to pretend.

 

“Hwan-ah,” He calls out, hiding his face in the blanket of the dark night and the beer can. “Don’t you wish we all stayed together? Like all other idol groups?”

 

He could see the uneasiness in Jaehwan’s face, yet couldn’t understand it completely. Jaehwan never showed his unsureness or insecurity to anyone else, he had this habit of hiding everything. Daniel can’t blame him though; it’s probably the circumstances that made him like this. He sees Jaehwan nod his head, but nothing else.

 

“This sucks, doesn’t it?” He asks again, waiting for a response, just to know if they’re on the same page. If Wanna One is the way all of them would be together; if it was the only way _they_ would be together, then he would definitely agree to it.

 

He only receives a nod in reply, again.

 

“What do you think all of us would be doing? Minhyun hyung and Sungwoon hyung have their futures fixed, but us? We were all only trainees, hoping for a solid debut and a happy life, right?”

 

 _Shit,_ he realizes his mistake a heartbeat later. _They_ were all trainees, Jaehwan wasn’t. He had just now signed an exclusive contract with a company, only on their debut. He wasn’t a trainee for long like all others were. He was his own boss, his own trainer and his own trainee. Daniel had wanted to have a will power as steely as his was, but he always found himself faltering. That’s one of the many reasons he likes Jaehwan as a person.

 

He still needs an answer, so he continues asking, even if he knows that the latter’s patience would be running less by now. “Would we still be together after this ends? Will we be able to even see each other? We can’t, right? This media and shit wouldn't let us do that.”

 

He wasn’t wrong, though. After Wanna One, he wasn’t sure if could ever be close with _Jisung_ \-- the one from his own company. Who knows if they’ll debut together? Who knows if they’ll be as close as they are now? What if he and Jisung debut separately in different groups? So he knew he was asking the right question; just that it was more harsh than intended. Media was what _made_ them be Wanna One, and it’ll be the same factor which will divide them.

 

Even meeting other Produce 101 participants performing like them on TV is very limited for them, what with all the busy schedules they have. None of them care about the tightly packed schedule, no, all they want is to never be able to think about the end, if that is the way to avoid it, or not see it coming. It was easier this way; bearable and most of all, comforting. They still had days to pass by, days to be with each other, days to not count.

 

“But,” Daniel continues, finding Jaehwan’s hand. It feels reassuring, and strangely warm. _Home,_ is the first thing that pops up in his mind. _Home_. That was what Jaehwan was; wondered if he will be like that for him in the span of forever. “But I hope we’ll stay together. You and me.”

 

He forces himself to not look at Jaehwan because… because. _Why?_ He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t think he’ll be strong enough to hold himself back from… _whatever it was._

 

“Me?” Jaehwan asks.

 

Daniel laughs; _of course_ he’d ask that. When did Kim Jaehwan ever see how Daniel looked at him? Full of admiration, affection, care, _love?_ He never did, so how will he see it now?

 

“Yes. Us. Who else would I tell?” He leans on the other’s shoulder. _Home_. He tries to dwell in that feeling for as long as he can, before everything becomes a blur in his mind because of the alcohol. He’s already starting to feel tipsy, and it’s been only around 2 cans.

 

“Well, I don’t know… Seongwoo hyung? Or Jisung hyung, maybe?”

 

“They’re… well, I am with them most of the time, yes, but… but there’s something that separates them from me.” _You_ , he wants to tell, but holds himself. Blames his almost drunk self for it. What would have changed if he had told that? He doesn’t know.

 

“Age?”

 

“Well, that’s one,” Daniel replies. “But another thing is, I can’t tell them _anything_ I tell you. Like this, I can’t tell this to their face, because they’re older than me and I have to give them their respect. But with you… with you, I feel like I’m at home.”

 

There, he had told it out loud. Hopefully, _hopefully_ that would change something?

 

By the time he could try think of a possible answer, everything became a blur. He’s definitely drunk now.

 

“What the--”

 

“I actually feel like I’m at home, talking to my classmates, not having to think about respecting or getting respect. And it’s nice being around you. I like you.”

 

He wonders at the back of his mind, in the sober part, whether all it took for him to actually word his heart out was a few cans of beers, the blanket of night sky and a drunken state. Why wasn’t he courageous enough to say it out loud in the broad daylight, anyway?

 

“ _What_ \--”

 

“A lot,” He says, snuggling in closer, searching for warmth-- both outside and inside. “I want us to stay like this forever.”

 

This is completely his drunken, unaware and absolutely no-filtered self talking, but he feels happy. He _is_ happy being like this, him and Jaehwan, Jaehwan and him, nothing else. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Somewhere in between the realms of reality and dreams, he thinks Jaehwan cries. Thinks he feels the tears drip down, one by one. But he doesn’t do anything.

 

\- - -

 

Daniel surely remembers the first time he got really sick. But he still cannot, for the life of him, remember being bed ridden like this. Or maybe that’s just his memory failing him. All he remembered this time was that he was _somewhere_ (or going there?) when everything just… blacked out. He thought it was just him going to sleep, but apparently he passed out on their way.

 

“If you get out of your bed, I’m serious I’ll shoot you down.” Jisung warns him as he pulls his blanket up, to which Daniel just pouts. Everything stings, everything hurts, and all he wants to do is _sleep_. But he also doesn't want to, because who knows when he’d ever get a chance like this?

 

“That's not fair,” he frowns. “You guys are leaving me alone?”

 

“Don’t be a baby, Kang Daniel, You’d do just fine on your own.” Jisung scoffs and leaves the room, leaning back in once again, just to make sure he doesn’t leave the room. When did Daniel ever listen to anyone? He did what he wanted to, but Jisung hoped he’d listen this time. Last time was terrifying enough, having to see him so weak, and he doesn’t want a repeat of that again.

 

“But I’m _fine_ ,” Daniel whines to himself, pulling the sheets over his head. “I can still come for practice!” He yells loud, hoping Jisung would hear. Bu he also knows Jisung would ignore it right away.

 

He tries to remember the last time he had fell sick like this. It’d always come to him during the seasonal changes-- he has a weak immunity level, he wonders. Or he just worked too hard that he didn’t care about himself. Whatever it was, last time _wasn’t_ that pleasant to think of.

 

He doesn’t count how many hours pass, or how much of it he spent sleeping, but when he wakes up, there’s shuffling beside him. He still feels too weary to open his eyes, and just settles to listening after a few seconds of struggling to open his eyes.

 

“Niel-ah? You feel okay?”

 

He finally forces his eyes open, Seongwoo being the first cafe he comes across. “Hyung--?” He can’t even continue his question as a series of coughs take over instead.

 

“I came back right after practice ended; someone should stay with you, right?” He says and shuffles back to his bed. “Call me if you need anything, okay? I’m right here.”

 

Daniel nods blearily, choosing to stare at the ceiling instead. “Seongwoo hyung?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What would you do if…” He pauses. Was he asking the right question? “What’d you do if you like someone but can’t tell them? Like, you can never be together, so you just--”

 

“Is this about you?” Seongwoo asks, eyeing him suspiciously, but also with a bit of care. Of course, Seongwoo always cared for him.

 

“No, No, it’s just a… hypothetical question. Just a curiosity.”

 

He doubts Seongwoo believed his lame excuse, but hums in thought anyway. “Well, if it were me, I’d just say it, just to not have any regrets later. I wouldn’t want to carry this with me forever.”

 

Daniel hums. That’s a good way, yes, but was he courageous enough? He couldn’t even tell Seongwoo when he asked if it was about him; he had lied instead. So how can he be that courageous to _actually_ go and confess to the one in his heart?

 

“Seriously, are you liking someone? Like, you wanna date someone?”

 

Daniel almost doesn’t hear his question, but he does (thankfully), and shakes his head furiously. “No! Just… one of my friends asked me about this, and I didn’t know how to go about it. You would’ve had more relationships than I had.”

 

“Oh… okay, then.” Seongwoo goes back, but Daniel still thinks he doesn't believe him. Maybe he knows; maybe he can tell an answer. Maybe he can confide in Seongwoo, and not suffer by himself.

 

Would it be right to say it, though?

 

He contemplates for a while, staring up at the ceiling, thinking if Seongwoo would be accepting of his thoughts, or repel away. He didn't want to lose one of the only people he trusted.

 

Still, he didn't want to suffer through it alone. He wanted someone to rely upon when things get hard.

 

Hardening his heart, trying to ignore the negative voices, he speaks up. “Seongwoo hyung?”

 

“Yes,” Seongwoo replies, unbothered.

 

“Do-- Why do you think I’d ask that question for myself?” He asks instead, testing whether if Seongwoo was a reliable person. No offense, Seongwoo took care of him almost all the time, but he still… didn't want their friendship to get into a problem because of this.

 

“You mean how I know how you feel about Jaehwan?” He asks, and it takes a whole minute for the younger to comprehend it.

 

“ _Wha--_ ”

 

“You aren't that good at hiding emotions; and you sleep talk at times. I think Jisung hyung knows about this too.” Seongwoo says casually, as if knowing about it wasn’t a matter of seriousness at all.

 

“Hyung,” Daniel speaks, finding his tongue after a long time. “What do I do?”

 

Seongwoo gets off the bed now, going closer to Daniel, a hand over his head immediately. Daniel felt secure, safe and warm. “Do what you want to, Niel-ah. Don’t worry about us, it’s _your_ life.”

 

Daniel isn’t sure what takes over him, maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling that Seongwoo reacted in a way he never expected, maybe it’s the fear, or maybe it’s just him. Maybe it’s just that he realized how much of a coward he was, unable to admit his feelings to himself.

 

He cries.

 

He sits up, finding his arms slipping into place with a hug, and that’s all he needs now. He needs time to think about it, time to admit it to himself, and someone to guide him. “Thank you, hyung,” He whispers into Seongwoo’s shirt, trying to stop crying in vain. “Thank you so much.”

 

Seongwoo just ruffles his hair, telling that it was okay, that it was always okay, and that he’ll always be there.

 

He knows he’ll fall down with even more fever than now with all the crying, but he doesn’t care. Someone knows, _Seongwoo_ knows and _Jisung_ knows, and that’s enough. He doesn’t feel like that much of a coward anymore.

 

He doesn’t see the person at the doorstep, turning back wordlessly.

 

\- - -

 

It’s been three years, Daniel realizes as he hears Jisung’s phone beep incessantly. _Wanna One Anniversary!!_ It read brightly, but that seemed to dull his mood down than anything.

 

It’s been three years. Three long years since Wanna One was formed, two since it wasn’t a group anymore. Two years since the 11 of them went to walk on different paths, hoping a secure future after all the love they received throughout that year and a half.

 

Two years since Wanna One wasn’t a group anymore.

 

Two years since he had seen Jaehwan.

 

Two years since he had buried his feelings deep down somewhere that even he can’t find it anymore.

 

“Shut it down!” Taewoong yells, throwing a pillow at Jisung. It was their monthly movie night, just him, Jisung, Taewoong, Jaehan and Jinwoo. After Wanna One, it was the three that Jisung and him had come back to. Even if they didn’t debut in the same group, they had finally debuted, and they had each other. It had been like that ever since his trainee days. Him and Jisung were a package anywhere they went, mainly because of how Jisung took up this responsibility to be his virtual Parent (also because of how Daniel stuck to him immediately, so much that he couldn’t think of a life without Jisung nagging him now). Taewoong, Jaehan and Jinwoo got themselves invited in their close friendship and became a closed circle, reliant on each other but independent at the same time. Sometimes Daniel wonders if he’s the only one who is _way too_ dependent on them.

 

Daniel notices how Jisung’s face freezes at the notification, but it’s masked almost immediately by a nonchalant face as he cancels the notification, going back to the movie.

 

It takes a while for everyone to return to their own living spaces (or its just Jisung and him going back to their dorms), and for Daniel to speak up about it openly. There was an unwritten agreement to never mention Wanna One amidst anyone else; to speak that name only when they’re by themselves.

 

“It’s been two years, right?” Daniel asks, trying to force a smile weakly.

 

Jisung pauses for a while before nodding, focusing on the gravel more than the way back home. Home. Could they call their dorm a home now?

 

Where was home, truly?

 

“You know,” Jisung starts, voice thick with sadness. Daniel could already feel the tears waiting to spring up at any moment, and takes all of his willpower to keep them at bay. “I wish we could go back. To Wanna One. To be one,” He chuckles-- that was unintended, but it didn’t make him feel happy, either. “I wish we could go back in time. What we had was… was something _different_.”

 

In a way, Daniel understands. Jisung had been training for the longest time out of all of them, having joined pretty late. Wanna One was his very first experience to live as a singer, a celebrity, so Wanna One is more close to his heart than their current group. He was thirty now, and still only a three-year old artist. Even if he didn’t look like thirty (thanks to good skincare and makeup), Daniel could feel it in the way his habits changed. He became more responsible, more mature, more calm. More accepting of successes and defeats.

 

It isn’t long before he hears a heavy sniff, to realize that Jisung was crying. It does take him long, though, to realize that he’s crying along.

 

Together they cry. The reasons might be different, but the emotion is the same. They only have each other, Daniel realizes as the elder pulls him closer, hiding his face.

 

It feels a lot like that day with Seongwoo. The day he had wanted to admit his feelings so bad, but couldn’t. He never did what he wanted to, like Seongwoo had told him to. In the end, he got hurt.

 

“I still talk to them, the kids,” Jisung says after their crying fest, and after they’ve reached their dorm. “Not all of them, and not frequently either. Just telling.”

 

Daniel knows what he means. It’s been almost a year since he had changed his number, having lost his cellphone somewhere he still can’t remember. It’s been a year since he got completely cut off from the rest; since he had never tried to get it back. Even if him and Jisung were in the same group, they still never mentioned anything about it unless necessary, which wasn’t there until now.

 

Jisung is asking him if he wants to talk to the others. Talk to _Jaehwan_ , in particular.

 

Daniel shrugs, slipping himself into the sheets, bidding Jisung a wordless goodbye.

 

Everything was cold. He had tried so hard to _forget_ , but why is it that he ends up crying at even an indirect mention of Jaehwan?

 

\- - -

 

He’s going to _get it_ from Jisung, he knows it, but the temptation had been too hard to resist. The phone was _right there_ , and it was partly Jisung’s fault to have reminded him about everything. Daniel was half-way through the forgetting stage, intent to just move on with life, but Jisung had brought everything back. So it was partly his fault.

 

It takes him a while to muster the courage to take Jisung’s phone and walk out. It was one of their comeback recordings, and Jisung was at the backstage scene interviews, playing along with Hyunbin, one of their members. Daniel had excused himself of feeling slightly sick, which wasn’t a complete lie, by the way. He was indeed feeling tired and exhausted, but it didn’t translate to _sick_.

 

It is almost midnight, and as he types out the name, Daniel vaguely wonders how many more takes they have to do. Promoting two songs in a comeback is _hard_ , but that is what everyone does.

 

He sees the contact, and his fingers hover over it for what feels like eternity. _Just do it_ , a foreign voice tells him. He feels like his heart is going to jump out through his throat as he waits for the call to be answered.

 

_Ring, ring._

 

_Ring, ring._

 

 _Ring, ring_.

 

He starts tapping the floor-- a habitual thing when he’s nervous or impatient; in this case, it’s both-- and tries not to nibble on his nail as the call continues.

 

_Ring, ri--_

 

“ _Hyung, what is it?_ ”

 

Daniel almost yelps in surprise-- his voice still sounded the same. Soft, warm, _home_. It takes a while for him to remember that he’s calling from Jisung’s mobile, but still he doesn’t breathe.

 

After all these years, he’s still a coward.

 

“ _Hello? Jisung hyung?_ ”

 

His voice snaps Daniel out of his chain of thoughts, bringing him back to _now_ and everything that was there. He sees Hyungkyun look at him suspiciously before walking out.

 

He realizes he has very little time. But when has he ever had enough time when it came to Kim Jaehwan? Even eternities weren't enough.

 

“No,” He manages to breathe out, forcing himself to calm down and relax. “I’m… I’m Daniel.”

 

There's a long pause, longer than anything, but a needed silence. Daniel lets everything sink in. He had picked up courage and called Jaehwan. And maybe now, _maybe now_ , he might be able to at least confess his heart, and live without the regret of not telling it. It isn't just the answer that he fears; it's also the action itself. Will this ruin anything between them? _Was_ there anything between them?

 

“ _D-Daniel--?_ ”

 

The voice sounds surprised, shocked, almost like repelling away. Like it _wants_ to be away. Daniel still hates himself for being a coward.

 

“Yeah...” He replies, hands fidgeting his ripped-knee pants. “H-How are--”

 

He sees their manager come in and gets up, excusing himself outside the styling room. He knows they only have thirty minutes before the next rehearsals, so he needs to tell everything before that time. How can he say those words-- which he hadn’t told in four years-- in thirty minutes? That sounds-- and actually is ridiculous.

 

“How are you?” He asks after reaching a safe spot, wanting to get to the point already, but something inside him refuses.

 

“ _I’m…_ ” Jaehwan stops, breathing heavily that Daniel would almost feel it. He wants to be there to tell him to relax, or be calm, or just to be okay, but he knows he can’t.

 

“You’re…?”

 

“Yah, Kang Daniel! How many times have I told you to not steal my phone and run off like this!” Jisung yells from behind him, and Daniel drops the phone from his ear, never hearing Jaehwan’s reply.

 

“I wasn’t even doing anything! I was just--!”

 

He sees the call end just as Jisung pulls it from his hand, and frowns at it.

 

He never got the time to say it in the past, and the same is happening now. He never gets the perfect time; or he doesn’t make it himself.

 

He’s still glaring at the phone as Jisung looks at what Daniel did, and looks up at him with eyes full of pity. “Niel-ah?”

 

“I didn’t do anything,” He mutters, shoving his hands into his pant pockets and walking past him, eyes glued to the marble flooring. “That’s what I did, never do anything--”

 

“Daniel, stop,” Jisung pulls him back, but his eyes are still stuck to the floor. He doesn’t want to listen to whatever Jisung has to say; he knows that it’ll probably be how he can’t wish for the past again. He could explain that no, he wasn’t asking for the past again but for a new future, but he doesn’t think Jisung will understand.

 

“Do you want to talk to him? Jaehwan? The others?”

 

It takes a while for Daniel to process what Jisung said, and look up at him in surprise.

 

Daniel was the one who didn’t want any contact with anyone. Inevitably, Seongwoo still stayed in touch with him, pestering him that he’d not survive a day without him, but the rest were only distant, but firm memories. He had not wanted any contact with them just to save himself from the pain of looking at everyone walk in different paths, and not together as Wanna One. What he had told was true-- he was still a kid, and he had got 10 brothers to be with him. But it wasn’t forever. And one wasn’t exactly just a brother, either.

 

Daniel is still speechless, and finds his voice only when Jisung places a hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to?”

 

“H-Hyung-- I--” He stammers, _badly_ , and is reminded of his frequent anxiety bouts during his trainee days. He was always nervous of making himself look _perfect_ that he took it way too seriously sometimes, but t was a requirement if he wanted to debut. Debut was _perfection_ in his eyes. He had done so much to keep those at bay, but now it comes back.

 

“It’s okay,” Jisung says, a hand over his back, just like it used to be all those days ago. “It’s okay, Niel-ah. If you want to--”

 

“I-I just wanted to--” He takes a shuddered breath in, feeling every bit of his strong pretense break down-- he realizes how it was only a pretense and not real. It’s really hard to hold back something that has grown a lot, even while being suppressed.

 

“It’s really okay, I understand you. Everyone does.”

 

“I didn’t-- I _didn’t_ \--”

 

It takes a while for him to calm down, and by that time, they’re called up the stage to film their next rehearsal. The stylist is just thankful that he didn’t ruin the makeup, the members are thankful that he didn’t run away or skip the rehearsal, and Jisung’s just thankful that he’s starting to open up.

 

Daniel’s just… regretful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remembering Kim Jonghyun, one of the people who inspired me and made me find my passion to write.
> 
> i know i had posted on my other fic 'night and day' that i needed time to cope with the fact that Jonghyun is no more with us, but I felt bad for making everyone wait. And this chapter, I had finished it a while ago, before everything had happened. So i was not burdened to write anything new in such a condition where i wont be able to give my best.
> 
> i dont know when the next chapter will come, but i guarantee you it will be up as soon as i've took my time.
> 
> thank you for understanding.
> 
> And please, Remember Kim Jonghyun as an artist, as a person who was open about his opinions, who loved making music more than anything, and who loved everyone around him without hiding it. Let's keep him in our minds forever. Also, add Choi Seoin (gagwoman who passed away on the same day, fighting ovarian cancer) and everyone around the two. Let's wish and try to not let such a tragic passing happen again. And let's wish them peace and happiness.


	3. don't know anything but regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for making everyone wait long, thank you for waiting.
> 
> i hope i make up with this chapter.

 

 

“Daniel,”

 

Daniel pretends to be busy with his phone, scrolling through it mindlessly. He knows what Jisung was trying to do, and doesn’t know if he wants him to.

 

“Daniel, look at me,” Jisung says again, and Daniel knows that his patience is wearing off. He’s been trying to talk to him for four days now, but every time he started to, Daniel would avoid it by telling something else or by just plainly ignoring him. There was only so much patience that Jisung had, and he knows he’s stretching it too much.

 

“Kang Daniel, I told you to look at me.”

 

Daniel finally does, ready to brace the question Jisung would ask.

 

“You haven’t answered me yet,” Jisung starts, and Daniel does nothing but look at him. “Do you want to talk?”

 

Daniel takes a sharp breath in. Did he want to? He’s been so used to keeping everything inside, didn’t like anyone else worrying about him. Jisung had always found a way to know about his worries, but other than him, no one else knew what Daniel truly felt at times.

 

“I’m…” He starts, pausing to think of what he wanted to tell; of what could possibly push the elder away. “No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t want to,” He mocks a groan and a yawn, pushing him away. “Leave me alone.”

 

“I’m not leaving until you say why, Daniel.”

 

“Fine, then I’ll go--” He stands up, but Jisung pushes him back to the chair.

 

“I’m not letting _you_ go anywhere either, so sit down.”

 

Sometimes, Jisung can be so scary. It isn't all the time that Daniel sees this side of him, but when he does, he wishes he doesn't have to. “Please, hyung, just let me be.”

 

“Niel-ah, just… tell me why. Just tell it out.”

 

“I don’t have any reason!” He doesn’t mean to yell, he really doesn’t, but he does anyway. “Why do I _have_ to have a reason to not talk about anything? It’s _my_ problem, leave me alone!”

 

“Because you don’t do anything and suffer by yourself!” Jisung yells right back. Daniel’s glad that it’s only them in the dorm now; the others had went out with their own friends. “You don’t care about yourself, and _I_ have to do that because I care for you.”

 

Daniel looks at Jisung, and finds concern under the face of frustration.

 

“Please, Niel-ah, I know it’s different now, but you can tell me if you want to talk to him. You still have time to mend your--”

 

“I don’t want to,” He cuts him off, looking straight at him. “What I did was on impulse and nothing else. I won’t do that again.”

 

“But--”

 

“Please, hyung.”

 

Jisung seems to understand what he wants and simple nods, leaving to their room, leaving Daniel alone in the living room. Daniel waits till Jisung leaves to let his pretense down, and sighs into his palm. A strangled groan escapes his throat, and he knows the reason why.

 

He has a lot of regrets in his life, but he doesn't think anything hurt this much. He had let it go himself, yet he still cannot accept it. It was a choice he made himself, but he feels hurt. From the first day, till the phone call, everything was his choice, but he had

 

Just then, his phone rings, notifying a message.

 

 _Seongwoo hyung sent you a message_.

 

Daniel has a guess that Jisung had told him about what happened, and this is another attempt at trying to convince him into talking with the one person who he didn’t want to. He unlocks his phone and sees the message.

 

_We’re meeting up next week_

_Me, Minhyun, Woojin, Daehwi, Jihoon, and Guanlin. Wanna come?_

 

He purses his lips in thought.

 

_Where?_

_Near the dorm, at the restaurant. Just a get-together thing._

_Coming?_

 

Daniel thinks again. Was he ready to see them? He hadn’t been in contact for almost two years now, would they still treat him the same way?

 

_You’ve not come for any after the last day._

_Pls?_

 

Seongwoo was telling the truth, though. He had avoided all of their get-togethers, fearing if he would give everything out and make everything more awkward and complicated. He figured that having no contact was better than a strained one, because it was easier to hide than to pretend. Pretending is hard when youhave a heart that literally gives itself away.

 

He takes a deep breath; hopes he won’t regret it.

 

_Sure._

 

\- - -

 

It’s a free day, and Jaehwan doesn’t know what to do. It feels like it’s been long since he had got any free day, and now he has got a whole week. He had already woke up _very_ late than he usually does, planning to make the most out of this break. He takes his own time to wash up and make breakfast in the barely used kitchen, surprising himself with his still existent cooking skills. He makes a decent breakfast instead of the usual Caramel Macchiato and sandwich he always munches through, and he's happy.

 

It’s still only three in the afternoon, and he has to find something productive to do.

 

He stares at the TV mindlessly, watching one of the senior artists perform. It was always amusing to watch the performances when he wasn't a singer yet, but now that he uses the stage as much as they do, it's become less amusing; less fascinating. His passion for singing still remains, but the stage became something he got used to; like a second home.

 

His phone rings once, indicating an incoming message. He ignores it, eyes forced on the LED TV.

 

After a while, he takes his guitar instead, strumming it aimlessly as the TV played something he didn’t bother to see. It’s really boring to sit without anything to do, but he knows he should make the most out of his rarely given free days.

 

The strums of the guitar echoes in the house, making him feel alone. He wonders why he didn't choose to stay with his parents instead. It would've been less lonely, what with his Mom pampering him and his Dad nagging him, and them sitting in a small circle, spending a happy time. He wonders why he didn't choose that and went for a lonely life instead.

 

He chuckles, remembering how Guanlin had said why he didn't want to room with Jaehwan. He practiced a lot, that was his only way of releasing stress and feeling less stressed. It was also the only way he felt secure, that his voice would help him in his way to stardom.

 

Now that he had achieved it, what was the point now?

 

As he plays a random, impromptu melody, somewhere in the back of his mind, a memory pops up.

 

/ / /

 

_“Help me, Niel-ah. I have no inspiration to work on,”  Jaehwan asks Daniel, strumming his guitar. It’s way after midnight, and they have a rehearsal for their fan meeting all day, yet here he is, sleepless and stressed._

 

_“It's a song for the fans, right? Write what you feel for them.”_

 

_“But.. I don't know,” He flops on the bed. “Nothing feels right. Neither the melody, nor the lyrics.”_

 

_“Don't push yourself; it’ll come.” Daniel saya, lying on his back on his bed. “Besides, everyone likes it when you play the guitar.”_

 

_“Really?” Jaehwan asks, raising an eyebrow._

 

_“Well, I know that I do.” Daniel shrugs, smiling wide. “It’s really nice to listen to.”_

 

\ \ \

 

The memory is so spontaneous and unexpected that he freezes, focusing completely on it. The rest is a blur, but he remembers Daniel leaning over his shoulder to read the messily typed up lyrics on his laptop. Everything’s fragmented, distorted, like a distant memory finding its way back.

 

Jaehwan thinks it's better this way, to not remember it clearly, but it isn't.

 

He takes a shuddered breath and keeps his guitar down, afraid if he’ll break something. It takes a minute for his to calm down, face buried in his palm, heart running on an overdrive.

 

The TV had somehow changed to playing songs, and he freezes when one song comes up.

 

It is Wanna One’s last song.

 

He looks at the TV, at their faces sticking together, flashes of all their music videos in a roll. It shows their smiles, their tears, the fans, the arenas that resembled a starry night. It brings back the nostalgic feeling he had forced to forget just a few days ago.

 

He closes his eyes, lets the song engulf him like a blanket.

 

He misses it, misses them.

 

He misses _him_.

 

The thought is scary, familiar yet a foreign place he knows he cannot go to. It was really uncalled for, and that takes him aback.

 

After that unexpected phone call, nothing had been the same. He is afraid to touch his phone, fearing if all his feelings would come pouring out, even if no one speaks on the other side. He's afraid if the strength he had piled up all these days would crumble down in the flash of a second, all because of _one person._

 

He has never felt so hurt, and it wasn't physical at all.

 

It feels like it's been so long since he had cries this hard, penting everything up inside him. He feels weak, vulnerable, _stupid_.

 

He forces himself to stop, turning the TV off right as the song ends. He wants to beat himself up over being so _weak_ , so sensitive.

 

He looks at the mirror perched beside his room, and notices his reflection. Hunched, down and _sad_ . He feels pathetic; he _is_ pathetic. His lone figure scares him, feels different in a not so good way, and he hates to realize it now.

 

Loneliness was a monster much worse than death.

 

Thankfully, his phone rings then, snapping him out of his tormenting thoughts. He’s thankful, really.

 

He doesn't even look at the contact name; is just grateful that he has a distraction now.

 

“ _Hello? Jaehwannie?_ ”

 

“Minhyun hyung,” He smiles, wiping his face off the tears he didn't even remember to have shed. He looks shabby, unkempt and miserable, and chuckles again, remembering how Minhyun would always nag at him for being so messy. “It’s been a long time.”

 

“ _I know. How are you?_ ”

 

“I’m doing fine.” He chokes out; a lie, but a convincing one, at least. “And you? How are you doing? And the members? Minki hyung?”

 

“ _Yeah, yeah, we’re doing fine._ ” Minhyun replies, and Jaehwan can see him nod repeatedly. “ _Your song is really nice, just wanted to tell that._ ”

 

“Oh,”

 

He had almost forgotten that one of his special music videos was releasing today; he usually does that at the end of every promotion cycle. A _Kim Jaehwan_ thing, his fans would say. “Thank you, hyung.”

 

“ _Listen, me and Seongwoo were planning to have a get-together tonight. With the kids._ ”

 

“Oh,” He hums again. He already knows his answer.

 

“ _Wanna come?_ ”

 

“No, hyung,” He says, mocking a perfectly hesitant voice. He misses them, yes, but he doesn't think he’s ready to meet them now. “I have some work to do; practice and stuff.”

 

“ _Oh_ ,” Minhyun says, and Jaehwan thinks he’s successful. “ _But it’s been so long, and it's only just a few of us. Jisung hyung and Daniel’s group is still in promotion, Sungwoonie hyung is in his world tour. And Jinyoung is visiting his family. It’s be nice if you could come. Can't you try to?_ ”

 

Jaehwan suddenly contemplates. If Daniel isn't going to be there, it will be okay, right?

 

“Just a few?” He asks, wanting to reassure.

 

“ _Yeah, just us. I thought it'd be nice if we could meet up. It's been so long since we had a get-together._ ”

 

“Oh…” He doesn't want to sound like a hypocrite, wanting to come only after knowing that Daniel won't be there. “I’ll see and tell you?”

 

“ _Sure. Call me if you can come, okay? Miss you._ ”

 

“Yeah, miss you too, hyung.”

 

He takes a deep breath, looking at his mobile.

 

Daniel won't be there. He won't have to be worried about skirting around awkwardly.

 

He looks at the calendar, just to make sure he has nothing to do. He obviously doesn't, and he sighs in relief. Maybe this is the distraction he needed.

 

He sends a message to Minhyun.

 

_What’s the time?_

 

\- - -

 

“Are you sure you’re going?” Jisung asks, sleepy but concerned nevertheless.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Daniel replies, rummaging through his closet to find a cardigan to wear.

 

“I mean, Jaehwan will be there, right?”

 

“Seongwoo hyung said he’s not coming. Besides, why would that make me not go?”

 

Jisung sends him a sarcastic look. Daniel knows the meaning of the look, and avoids it.

 

“Anyways, have fun and tell the others that I miss them, okay?” Jisung yawns, pulling the sheets closer. “C’mere.”

 

“What is it?” Daniel asks, annoyed that he still can't find his cardigan, and moves closer to Jisung.

 

The elder pats his head, kissing his cheek sloppily before retreating back into the sheets. “Go safe, okay?”

 

Daniel just smiles. Jisung always does that when he goes out by himself, saying how he always reminded him of his own sister, and of the need to take care. Of course, he says had never done it to his own sister, but it isn't like Daniel complains.It’s comfortable. “Sure, hyung.”

 

He decides to chuck the cardigan plan after searching for a while and pulls a random faux-leather jacket, looking at the mirror one last time before putting the mask on. It’s suffocating, but he has to do it.

 

He steps out of the apartment building, the gush of air hitting his face feeling welcoming and comforting. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and takes it out, seeing Seongwoo’s name in the screen.

 

“Yeah, where are you, hyung? I’m outside the apartment.”

 

“ _Right around the corner, I’ll be there in, like, 5 minutes._ ”

 

“Sure.” He nods and ends the call, tapping his feet on the curb, waiting for Seongwoo’s car to show up.

 

In those few seconds, he manages to conjure up another memory, pressed inside the back of his mind. It isn't anything special or different, but it was a memory.

 

Him and Jaehwan going up and down the neighborhood, taking turns driving through the streets, stopping at the cafe round the corner to get something to drink-- Caramel Macchiato for Jaehwan, a Vanilla Latte for him-- and eat-- a few brownies or croissants; it wasn't that preferred by either. It was aimless and only for passing time, but he enjoyed it. He liked the two of them going out like that, talking about stupid, pointless stuff. He liked being with him.

 

Seongwoo’s car pulls up in front of the apartment, and two other faces greet him-- Daehwi and Woojin.

 

“Hyung! It’s been so long!” Daehwi chirps, ever the young boy he is. Woojin just smiles widely, obviously eager to see Daniel again. It’s been two years since they almost saw each other, anyway.

 

“Yeah, it has been long.” He agrees, sitting at the front, beside Seongwoo.

 

“You still do that,” Woojin points out. “Sit beside Seongwoo hyung, I mean.”

 

Daniel smiles. It's what makes him comfortable, and Seongwoo is the only one who stuck to him after Wanna One. He had pestered and threatened Jisung into giving him Daniel’s new number, although with a promise of not telling it to anyone. Seongwoo was the only other one who knew, and who helped him. Seongwoo wasn't just a colleague; he was almost a brother.

 

He just shrugs to Woojin’s statement and looks ahead. The road seems bright, open and free from any darkness, even if it was almost late evening. Like how he is not, how he cannot be; like how he wants to be.

 

“How’s Jihoon?” Seongwoo asks as they drive.

 

“Tired and exhausted, but he doesn’t tell that to me at all.” Woojin replies. Daniel wonders what had changed, but it just didn’t feel the same. “We barely meet up these days.”

 

“Meet up?” He blurts out unintentionally. “I mean--”

 

“You were out of touch,” Seongwoo just grins, Woojin’s _blushing_ (Daniel wants to picture that for possible blackmail material) and Daehwi’s side-eyeing him. “Woojin and Jihoon are dating.”

 

Daniel feels so, _so_ out of conversation and basically out of place. “ _What_ ,”

 

“I thought Jisung hyung knows about this?” Woojin questions, still partly blushing.

 

“He didn’t tell me!” Daniel whines, jumping in his seat. In the back of his mind, the part he always ignores, there’s a voice. _You couldn’t do it and they did._

 

“You were the one who wasn’t interested in knowing anything about others, Niel,” Seongwoo accuses with a smirk, knowing everyone would start blaming him for not wanting any contact. It was Seongwoo’s sneaky way of making him feel bad that he didn’t want to talk to the others anymore. Daniel did tell that it wasn’t because he didn’t love them, of course he did; he just didn’t want to be in touch to stop himself from becoming so emotional every time he sees them. Even with no contact, he still saw everyone in TV shows, though their promotional cycles never lined up. “It’s your fault.”

 

“When did this even _happen_?” He asks, ignoring Seongwoo’s accusation.

 

“Like… three months ago? I made the idiots confess to each other!” Daehwi says proudly, frowning when Woojin smacks his head. “Yeah, three months ago!”

 

“Why didn’t _you_ tell me, hyung?” Daniel turns to Seongwoo now, fixing a glare on his face.

 

“What the-- That’s not my work! You need to know it yourself, or you should at least attempt to!”

 

Daniel only frowns and sits back, feeling guilty. Of course, it was his fault, but they could’ve _told_ him. “Anyways, congratulations.”

 

The foreign voice in his head is loud this time. _They did it, and you couldn’t._

 

_Pathetic. Coward._

 

Daniel doesn’t even deny it; agrees that he is pathetic and a coward.

 

\- - -

 

The trip to the restaurant that Minhyun said is long and lonely, and Jaehwan has more or less resigned to it by now. Most of his life had been spent with feeling lonely and distant, even with good social connections and relationships. And after Daniel, it had only started to worsen even more.

 

He had decided to take the bus, not wanting to bother himself for standing for a cab. The bus had come right as he reached the bus stop, and he took no time in getting in.

 

It feels… _weird_ , to travel by the bus. Before debut, he was so used to travelling by bus. That was what he always did; travel by bus. To the studio he rented out, to the busking areas, to home, to meet his friends.

 

After debut, though, he’s been so used to moving around in cars, using his driving skills and just leisurely travelling. So it feels weird.

 

It feels even more weird when three strangers come up to him and ask for his autograph. It tries his best maintain a welcoming smile, but he still feels awkward.

 

“Thank you,” He whispers to himself when he gives them his autograph, grinning awkward till they are away from his sight.

 

It _is_ really weird, being recognized by himself and not as a member of Wanna One. Almost 90 percent of his fans were Wanables, so it came off as surprising when someone recognized him not because of Wanna One, but because of his own debut as a solo artist.

 

He takes his phone out, calling Minhyun to make sure they were coming there for sure. He didn't want to look dumb, waiting all alone at a place he’d not been to that much.

 

“Hyung, where are you?” He asks, letting himself enjoy the evening winds.

 

It's nice, to be out once in a while like this. He does meet up with Sewoon and a few of his friends at times, but it's mostly him travelling with his manager’s car. Even then, his mind is too preoccupied with stuff that he doesn't exactly try to enjoy like this.

 

“ _We’re in the restaurant, waiting for the others. You?_ ”

 

“Right around the corner. I’ll be there a few,”

 

“ _Jihoon is so eager to see you and whine about Woojin, so come fast_.”

 

Jaehwan smiles fondly; it hasn't been long since the two have started dating, and it's really endearing to think how they take everything positively, unlike him who backed out from a happy life with hesitation and fear. And he’s usually the one who makes fun of Woojin, so of course Jihoon would tell him stuff and enjoy seeing his boyfriend be teased.

 

“Woojinie’s coming too, right?”

 

“ _Of course, I told you_.”

 

“I’ll be there, hyung.”

 

He hangs up and starts walking, trying to remember the direction. After all, he’s lived in this neighborhood for a year and a half, so he would probably know his way around.

 

It takes him surprisingly less time to reach the restaurant, and the first person he sees is Minhyun. He smiles wide, happy, _genuinely_ as he goes for a hug.

 

“Jaehwan hyung is here!” Guanlin yells, making heads turn around. Jaehwan shushes him down, rushing inside for a seat.

 

“Don't yell like that!” He chides, although with no anger, and smiles at him again.

 

It feels strange, all of a sudden, to have cried just that afternoon and now he’s smiling wide. He almost forgot the reason he had cried in the first place, and is now just happy to see the others.

 

“Where's Seongwoo hyung?”

 

“He said they’re nearby; stuck in traffic or something.”

 

Jaehwan hums, falling into conversation with Jihoon, gathering information to have a fun evening teasing Woojin and seeing the boy blush. It is really nice to watch the two, and maybe he knew they'd be a thing sooner or later. No matter how much they fight, how much they argue, they’re each others’ at the end of the day; the only place they return to. He’s thankful for their companies to have let them date, because in a society that's still changing, two guys dating was still looked down upon by a few people.

 

Jaehwan wonders whether this was another reason why he never confessed his feelings.

 

“They’re here!” Guanlin yells again as the door opens, and Jaehwan tears his eyes from his phone, expecting Seongwoo’s wide grin.

 

He sees Woojin and Daehwi first, who rush to Jihoon first. He feigns a frown, to which Daehwi comes to him, giving a big hug.

 

“Where’s Seongwoo hyung?”

 

“He’s downstairs; said he’ll come in a few minutes.”

 

Jaehwan hums, settling with watching the others talk animatedly. It’s like they had felt his depressing mood and decided to do something about it, and included him in their chats more frequently. It’s amusing to see how they knew him so well. Or it was just all a freak coincidence.

 

Whatever it is, he’s happy. He wants everything to stay this way.

 

\- - -

 

“I’m pretty sure Jihoon would be complaining and telling nonsense stuff about me to the others, just to make fun of me.” Woojin grunts, and Daniel just laughs.

 

Daehwi is pulling his shirt from behind (he’s gotten used to it during Wanna One days), Seongwoo was talking over the phone to Minhyun, everything felt nice. It was good, exactly what he needed.

 

That is until Seongwoo signals him to not get down, telling Woojin and Daehwi to go first.

 

“What is it?” He asks, looking at the two entering the restaurant.

 

“Jisung hyung told me what happened,”

 

 _Of course_. Of course Jisung would tell him, because he’s the only other person Daniel listens to, besides Jisung. Of course Jisung would do that.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine, hyung, really,” Daniel feigns a scoff. “Why would hyung think I’m not fine? Why do you think that?”

 

“Because… I know, okay. And I understand. But--”

 

“Can we go? I’m hungry,” He says whatever, just to avoid the conversation. He didn’t want to talk about it; didn’t want to think about it. It was enough as it was, he didn’t need to put himself through the same hurt feeling anymore.

 

Seongwoo sighs; he probably knew this would happen anyway. “Yeah.” He utters, voice blank and pointless.

 

Daniel tries to reach there before Seongwoo; hopefully, no one else knows about this. If he’s around others, Seongwoo wouldn’t ask questions. He can’t because Daniel had not wanted anyone to know about it. And he knew Seongwoo wouldn't break a promise just like that.

 

He sees Guanlin standing outside, talking over the phone. _Probably his sister_ , he thinks as he approaches him.

 

"Daniel hyung?" Guanlin sees him and hangs up on the call, grinning widely. “You’re here! After a long time!”

 

“You’ve grown,” is the first thing he says, pulling away to ruffle the boy’s hair. “A lot.”

 

“As if I don’t know that, I’m 19 now, hyung.” Guanlin smirks, and Daniel just pats his head. "We didn't expect you at all!"

 

He hadn’t even realized how much time had passed. How everyone have changed, how much everything has changed. It’s strange, to realize that all of a sudden. Thing weren’t the same anymore. Thing would never be the same anymore.

 

“Come on, everyone’s waiting! They'll be really surprised when they see you!” Guanlin says right as Seongwoo comes, embracing him with a hug too. Daniel pushes the door open, seeing the slightly cramped space and smiles.

 

His smile freezes when he sees him.

 

Jaehwan.

 

\- - -

 

It feels like everything around him stops when he locks eyes with the one person he hadn't seen, yet had always thought about.

 

Jaehwan had never thought he'd meet Daniel with  _everyone_ around them, let alone meet him.

 

Behind him, Seongwoo looks just as shocked as Daniel does, and Jaehwan wonders in his peripheral whether he knows the reason for the tension between them. However, Seongwoo is quick to react and pushes Daniel in, who seems like wanting to run away. Jaehwan doesn't blame him;even he feels like running away.

 

"It's been so long, Daniel!" Minhyun says cheerily from before him, while Jihoon has a hand on his shoulder and a wide smile on his face. "Seongwoo didn't tell us that you were coming!"

 

Still, his eyes never left Daniel's sight. Nor did Daniel's. Stuck in a trance of back and forth, untold feeling all over the place, but still hidden well.

 

"... Wow, are you guys having a staring contest or something?" Daehwi asks, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere. "Let's play a game!"

 

Jaehwan finally snaps out when Jihoon yanks his hand closer to him, making him turn. Suddenly, he had forgotten every bit of the conversation they were having before Daniel came. Everything's just blank now. He barely listens to what Jihoon is talking about; all his mind says is one name, remember one face: Daniel. And maybe, maybe he wanted it to be that way. Maybe he didn't want it to be that way; he doesn't know. His mind is a complete mess now, all coherent thoughts flying away.

 

But a small part of his heart is happy that he finally got to see Daniel. Whenever he came to their get-togethers after the disbandment, he would expect Daniel to be there, but he hadn't. Only Jisung came, and Daniel never did. The small part of his heart hoped he'd see him face-to-face one day, but it didn't know what would happen to him if it did happen.

 

"Are you okay?" Minhyun asks, and Jaehwan nods, somewhat blank.

 

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

 

"It's been a really long time, Jaehwan." Daniel speaks up. Jaehwan could see how a hand held his arm tightly-- Seongwoo's. He realizes that keeping his hopes up were stupid; nothing would happen.

 

"Yeah," He manages, letting out a silent, shuddered breath, his fists curled in tight under the table. "It's been a long time, Daniel."

 

It  _has_ been long, he realizes the moment he says it. It's been too long to try and turn things around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from huh gak's 'only you' (you can say i heard it bc i wanted to see seongwoo but THE SONG)
> 
> and NIELHWAN FINALLY MEET YASSSSSS i know its kinda.... awkward lol but i hope you'll understand.


	4. because it's you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so so sorry for the late update!! hopefully this makes up :D

Daniel doesn't process what happens for most of the night, focused on his own plate of food and his own drink, only talking in whispers to Seongwoo. He was content with that.

 

It's really awkward, listening to everyone talk about what they did, while Daniel stays silent. Even Jaehwan talks once in a while, though it seems more forced than anything, as if he's just trying to cover up the awkwardness around him. It does sound almost natural, but he has observed him way too much to know if he’s being genuine or not.

 

“Can you stop trying to eat Jihoon hyung and eat your food instead?” Daehwi remarks, pulling an ugly face at Woojin, knowing well that it’d make Woojin angry.

 

“Well, blame me for trying to kiss _my_ boyfriend,” Woojin retorts, pulling Jihoon closer to him with a hand over his shoulder, pushing a peck on his cheek. Jihoon visibly blushes and smacks his arm, trying to escape the grip but secretly loving it.

 

Somehow, looking at them makes Daniel jealous. Envious. That could be him and Jaehwan, but no, fate had other plans.

 

He chuckles to himself, the bitter taste in his mouth never washing off even with the shots and the food. It feels almost inherent now, staying there day after day, minute after minute, reminding him of the bitter choices he took two years ago.

 

It could’ve been them, but it isn’t them.

 

“Why aren’t you talking, hyung?” Guanlin asks, snapping Daniel out of his pitiful self-loathing. “It’s been two years since we saw you!”

 

“There’s nothing interesting to tell,” He frowns, turning to Seongwoo by instinct. “He’s the only one I was in contact with.”

 

“Because his ass lost his mobile,” Seongwoo retorts, smacking his arm. “I had to reach out by myself.”

 

“Just Seongwoo hyung?” Woojin asks, mocking a pout. “Wow, and I thought you liked me more.”

 

“I’m always number one, Woojinie,” Seongwoo replies in a teasing tone. “I’m the one he likes more.”

 

Daniel just shrugs, too exhausted and drained by having to keep up a pretense the whole time to bother to answer to that properly.

 

“Look at this, you both are just the same like before!” Daehwi laughs, leaning on Jaehwan’s shoulder.

 

That is when Daniel takes time to look at him properly; to look at the forced smile, at the visible discomfort, and the will to ignore it.

 

Sometimes, Daniel hates himself for knowing about Jaehwan too much, but he can’t help it: he had just been with him too much, observed him and loved him too much to forget anything.

 

“I-It’s not like that…” He tries to make up something, but maybe it’s too late. His words disappear into thin air, never reaching the place he wanted it to.

 

He downs another shot rather forcefully. He wishes he doesn’t remember the night at all, if he can.

 

He needs to tell _someone_ ; he knows he cannot keep the pretense up anymore. He can’t tell Seongwoo because he’s _there_ with everyone, and then everyone will know about his pathetic love for someone who would never return his feelings.

 

The only resort? Yoon Jisung.

 

“Excuse me, I just need to--” He stands up, looking around a bit frantically. “Go. For a minute.”

 

He feels a pair of familiar eyes on him and tries to ignore it, getting more desperate to just _get out_ from there. It’s too suffocating and draining, exhausting to pretend to not be bothered by anything.

 

Seongwoo gives him a worried glance but he shakes his head almost robotically, telling him it’s nothing. It _is_ nothing, nothing but his weak, pitiful heart unable to bear anything more. _It’s nothing at all_.

 

Once he reaches the restroom, he fumbles for his phone, hands almost shivering, on the verge of breaking down. He types out the number he has memorized in a hurry, trying to breathe. It’s been long since he has had an anxiety problem this severe, and it isn’t exactly anxiety either. It’s just him, his mind, his heart, and nothing co-operating in the way it should.

 

The phone keeps ringing, ringing, _ringing_ until it gets cut. Daniel looks at the phone in disbelief before dialling the number once again.

 

“I just want to _talk_ \--!” He shudders, trying to not let it get to him. He’s fine, yeah, completely fine. He just has to be there for some more time, that’s it.

 

He just wants to _talk_. But he doesn’t want to be a burden either.

 

He keeps his phone back, leaning against the wash basin, taking deep breaths. He looks at himself in the mirror and frowns: he definitely does not look okay.

 

He forces a small smile, practices it. _It’s okay, I’m okay,_ he repeats to himself almost like a chant, because that’s what he can do.

 

He realizes that it could’ve been too long since he had came out and decides to go back, taking a heavy breath in and letting it out slowly. He wishes Jisung was there; he would look after him better, more than Seongwoo. He doesn't blame Seongwoo, though; after all, he would want his own time.

 

He stands there, contemplating whether he should go back or just take a sudden leave, giving a poor excuse. It honestly sounds like a better plan, to just give _some_ reason and leave.

 

Just as he turns around, though, he sees the most unexpected person standing before him.

 

\- - -

 

“That was sudden…” Minhyun says, chuckling awkwardly as he looks at Daniel’s retreating figure.

 

“Right? I thought he was going to faint or something, he looked so disturbed,” Jihoon adds in.

 

Jaehwan fiddles with his chopsticks, unsure of… what? He didn't know what it was, just that it felt weird and made him want to stop doing anything.

 

“I’m sure it's nothing serious,” Seongwoo reassures, but Jaehwan could definitely see the nervousness etched in his face. Sometimes, he felt bad for being able to read people’s faces because of his habit of observing people. “He’ll come back.”

 

Although he does say that, Jaehwan notices how he fiddles around his food, looking at the door every once in a while. Everyone seems to have indulged in their own conversations (mostly picking on Woojin and Jihoon-- he wishes the kids would get some break, but where's the fun in that?) while Seongwoo keeps checking his phone and the door.

 

“Should I go look for him?” He asks Seongwoo all of a sudden, much to his own surprise. He thought he _didn't_ want to see Daniel, now he’s asking if he should go check up on him?

 

Seongwoo shakes his head rather frantically. “No, no! It’s okay, I’m just--”

 

Jaehwan wants for Seongwoo to answer, but there is nothing after the pause. “It’s-- I’ll just go check and come, he could’ve got lost.”

 

Seongwoo looks strangely frantic and shakes his head. “It’s okay, I’m just worried. He just went to the restroom, right? He’ll come back.”

 

“Why aren’t you letting him go?” Woojin asks Seongwoo. Jaehwan is almost standing anyway, so he slips out while Seongwoo tries to answer Woojin and to stop him. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t want him to go.

 

He weaves through the tables and reaches the restroom, but something stops him. Hesitation? Nervousness? Fear? He doesn’t know. It just feels wrong, like he _shouldn’t_ be there. Was this why Seongwoo was trying to stop him? Did he know about his stupid love?

 

He stops, and he listens. He listens to his shuddered breaths, the struggle in his voice that comes along. He listens, and only listens, unsure of doing anything. _Should_ he be doing something here? Was this why Seongwoo didn’t want him to go; to not let him see how Daniel felt?

 

Was this what Daniel wanted, too? To not let anyone see this side of him?

_/ / /_

 

_“Where’s Daniel?” Jaehwan asked, fastening the mic behind him on his belt. “The performance is about to start.”_

 

_“He went to the restroom… He’ll be back soon, let’s just get ready.” Seongwoo replies, eyes fixed behind him, on the long corridor._

 

_“But where is he?”_

 

_“He’ll come, Jaehwan. Just go ahead, I’ll bring him.”_

 

_It won’t be anything serious, right? “Okay, whatever you say,” He shrugged and moves ahead, sticking to Sungwoon and practicing before the stage._

 

_Their first stage as Wanna One. It was as much nerve-wracking as it was exciting. Each one of them were nervous, afraid, excited, and happy. It was everyone’s first stage, both altogether and individually. It was the result of years of blood, sweat and tears, and everyone were determined to make it their best stage._

 

_Jaehwan doesn’t know why, but he feels a bit uneasy. He keeps looking at the entrance to the backstage rooms, expecting something he doesn’t know. He doesn’t exactly know; he just feels disturbed. Like there’s something he should be knowing, but he doesn’t. And that fact, even if it’s vague, makes him uneasy._

 

_Just when he’s about to go back and look at the corridor, Daniel shows up with Seongwoo and Jisung beside him, chatting and smiling wide._

 

_Somehow, that face makes him relax. Looking at Daniel smile, looking not even a bit nervous, makes him feel easy and comfortable. Like he can do whatever it is, if Daniel’s by his side._

 

_He’s surprised at his own thought, but there’s very little time to think of that before they’re called to get ready to be up the stage._

 

_A minute before they’d be up the stage, Daniel comes beside him, and above all the sound, tells him:_

 

_“Let’s do this.”_

 

_He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe Daniel was telling it to everyone, maybe he missed that, but it felt strangely special. Looking at him and then at the stage, he replies:_

 

_“Let’s do this.”_

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

“ _I just want to talk--!_ ”

 

He’s snapped out from his thoughts when Daniel almost yells. Now, he’s just scared to go inside. He knows Daniel never likes showing anyone his weak side. Even through all the sweat and pain, he would always have a smile. _Those who smile a lot are the ones who are hurt the most,_ he vaguely remembers reading somewhere. Wishes that it isn’t the case for Daniel.

 

Somehow, the minutes he waits outside the restroom, too hesitant to go inside, makes him worry more; makes him almost afraid. He never likes feeling this confused; confusion always lead to nothing. Confusion always lead to confusion in the end, and he doesn’t like it. But he’s too afraid to decide to go inside. He doesn’t want to make him feel bad for overhearing or worse, make him feel vulnerable. That was the last thing he needed.

 

He also realizes he looks really awkward standing outside the restroom, looking like he wants to go in but he doesn’t. He’s almost sure someone in the crowd has recognized him, and expects to be called out sooner or later.

 

After a pretty long contemplation, he decides to not think anymore and steps in, just as Daniel turns around.

 

It’s more awkward that how it was outside, among everyone.

 

“Uh,”

 

Of course, _of course_ Daniel’s the first to start. He’s never the one who actually starts talking; the coward he is.

 

“Y-Yeah, I-I was just--” He pauses, looking everywhere but at him. _God, this is so fucking awkward_. He cannot think of anything else but that. “Seongwoo hyung, yeah, he was getting worried, and I came…”

 

“Oh,” Daniel says after a long heartbeat, nodding somewhat robotically. “S-Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” He says reflexively and steps away, making way for the latter to go first. Just as he passes by him, though, he blurts it out.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Daniel pauses in his way to look at him, stopping maybe a bit too close. He feels nothing else but awkward and… strangely _fine_?

 

“What?”

 

“I-I mean, you looked… not good.” He's blabbering, and he's pretty sure Daniel’s weirded out by him now, if he wasn't before.

 

“Oh, did I?” He asks, flashing a smile immediately. “I'm… okay. Fine.”

 

Without a word, he moves out, head low and hidden. Somehow, Jaehwan feels those words aren't true.

 

He’s not fine.

 

\- - -

 

“Today was really fun!” Daehwi exclaims as soon as he climbs inside the car, but frowns immediately. “Well, except for Woojin hyung. He should really know his tolerance level, _god_.”

 

Seongwoo simply laughs at him, starting the car and driving off.

 

Daniel feels like jumping off from the car, if he can. Because right behind him is Jaehwan, and the awkwardness just hangs above them like a gloomy cloud.

 

It all started when Minhyun had asked Seongwoo to drop Jaehwan at his place, because he had come by the bus and it's too late in the night to expect a bus back home. And his car was small to add Jaehwan in on their ride back home. Seongwoo, being the considerate person he is, had readily agreed to it. Daniel really couldn't say anything, because they were right, and Jaehwan was a person too. Not everyone would know of the strange air hanging around them.

 

“We all are really close, aren't we?” Daehwi asks, a hand over Woojin’s shoulder. “I can't believe we're not in the same group anymore.”

 

The three of them only shrug in reply, eyes fixed on anything but each other.

 

“I wish we were Wanna One; it was much better that way.” He continues. “But what happened to you, Daniel hyung? You were the only one who didn't keep in touch at all.”

 

Daniel hisses silently, gritting his teeth. Blame _him_ for being insecure about his feelings. “I lost my phone, like Seongwoo hyung said.”

 

“But you talk with Seongwoo hyung! Why didn't you talk to the others?”

 

Daniel just wants a peaceful ride back home, being questioned was _not_ what he wanted. “I--”

 

“He wanted to ask but kept forgetting. We all had busy schedules, right?” Seongwoo speaks up.

 

“Okay, but he didn't even think of keeping contact with at least Jaehwan hyung?”

 

 _I don't want this; I didn't ask for this!_ “I wanted--”

 

“Even I forgot,” Jaehwan speaks up all of a sudden. “It was really hectic, right after Wanna One. It's not his fault.”

 

Daehwi is ready with another question, but by then, Seongwoo stops the car. “Wait, what? Our dorm is _this_ close?”

 

“Yes, now chop chop! I’ll help you with Woojin.” Seongwoo says and gets down, trying to balance a passed out Woojin and walk to their dorm on the second floor.

 

That's how Daniel and Jaehwan find themselves alone, unsure of doing anything. It was already awkward (Daniel’s getting tired of that-- just _what_ had changed between them?), and being left alone doesn't do any help.

 

“Uh,” Daniel speaks up suddenly. “I-I’m sorry.”

 

Jaehwan doesn't tell anything for what feels like a long time, but the silence isn't forever. “For?”

 

“For…”

 

For what? What was he exactly sorry for? He can list a lot of things: for making him worry, for coming to the restaurant, for not keeping contact, for not confessing his feelings. For loving him.

 

“Just,” He settles with this, hoping it answers well. It only stumps the conversation. “What's talking hyung so long?” He changes the topic instead, just to occupy himself. He doesn't want to sit still; he feels like that'll end up bad.

 

“That day,” Jaehwan starts. “Why did you call me?”

 

It takes him a whole minute for him to realize what he’s talking about. He stills, breathing slow and heavy. His eyes are fixed on the road ahead: dark and endless. Just like how he feels.

 

_/ / /_

 

_“Why do you like it when it's dark?” Daniel asks Jaehwan, pointing at the night sky. “You like night more than the day, you usually don't turn the light on. Why?”_

 

_“Because,” Jaehwan pauses to take a sip from his beer can. “It's the only reassurance that not everything is good. It makes you know about the bad things, and I always want to know them to be careful in the future. That's why.”_

 

_“That’s…” He tries to think of an appropriate word, but gives up soon. “Deep.”_

 

_Jaehwan just smiles, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “It also makes you know who'll be with you when it's dark. So in a way, it's good.”_

 

_“You mean like how I’m here?”_

 

_He hears a deep inhale, feels the arm around his shoulder tighten. “Yeah, like you. Like us.”_

 

\ \ \

 

“... To talk?” He finally words it with his own voice. He hadn’t been this nervous when he had waited for the rankings. _Hell_ , he hadn’t been this nervous in his first _dance competition_ , but now he feels like he’s going to break into two. _Why was Seongwoo taking this long?_

 

“Just… Just that?”

 

He turns around, just in time to look right into the latter’s eyes. Was that _expectation_ in his voice? Was that what Daniel had wanted from him; what he waited for all these days?

 

He just finds it blank. Why did he even get his hopes up, even for a second?

 

“Yeah.” He sighs, feeling a familiar lump bubbling in his throat. “That’s it.”

 

\- - -

 

“ _That’s it._ ”

 

The words strangely ring in Jaehwan’s ears, even after a few minutes. Even after the conversation had ended, the words were still loud and clear in his ears.

 

 _That’s it._ That was what Jaehwan ever was. An end point, _nothing_.

 

He feels stupid at this point to expect anything. How could he expect something when there’s _nothing_ in the first place?

 

Before he could tell anything, however, Seongwoo returns to the car, shutting the door with an exhausted huff. “Woojinie started whining on the way; didn't even want to go home. _Jihoon, Jihoon_ ,” he tells in a mocking tone, which earns a little chuckle from Daniel.

 

Right. Seongwoo was there for Daniel. Even now, he did something Jaehwan couldn't; in fact, he did the exact opposite to what Jaehwan did.

 

He should really stop getting his hopes high for someone who will never fulfil it.

 

_/ / /_

 

 _Jaehwan had been really fidgety and impatient that day, mostly because his mind was completely on a particular someone who was not there. Daniel had fell sick the night before--_ a bad cold _, is what he says, but it’s obviously more than that if it makes the ever tedious Kang Daniel skip dance practice. The practice just isn’t the same without him-- an empty space, obviously, but something tugs at his heart, tells him to go look after him._

 

_“The formation isn’t right,” Jinyoung says just as the song ends._

 

_“That’s because Niel-hyung isn’t here.” Daehwi replies, grabbing his bottle of water from the corner. “But we’ll have to manage without him today.”_

 

_“I’ll be leaving after we finish dance practice,” Seongwoo speaks up. “I asked our manager hyung to let me go back.”_

 

_“Go back?”_

 

_“To take care of Daniel,” He says as he stretches his arms out. “Someone has to go, right?”_

 

_“But--” Jihoon starts, but is cut off by Seongwoo._

 

_“I asked manager hyung and he agreed, but only I can go. I think you’ll go for vocal practice,” Seongwoo shrugs. “Don't worry, I’ll take care of him.”_

 

_Jaehwan feels something strange settle at the bottom of his heart, something close to… disappointment? He couldn't figure it out, but it doesn't feel good._

 

_He makes it through dance practice and grudgingly sees Seongwoo walk away, nodding his head repeatedly to Jisung’s naggings on taking care of the sick boy._

 

_He wonders why he doesn't feel anything with the way Jisung nags over Daniel. It's almost the same as Seongwoo, but why does he feel… a conflict in his heart?_

 

_He barely makes it through vocal practice, heart and mind only one one person, before they’re all done with and are free to go home. He’s the first one that steps into the dorm, the rest warily carrying themselves upstairs._

 

_He wants to see Daniel, make sure he’s okay. That’s all he wants. He realizes the reason he’s been fidgety all day._

 

_What he gets is something completely unexpected, though. Or maybe, he should’ve expected it._

 

_There he is, Daniel, in Seongwoo’s arms. Crying._

 

_And as much as Jaehwan wants to go and comfort him, he knows he can’t. Because Seongwoo’s there. Seongwoo’s always there for Daniel, so who was he?_

 

_Seongwoo was there for him, so why would he be needed anyway?_

 

_He pauses at the doorstep, trying not to look obvious, and takes a deep breath, suppressing anything and everything that bubbles up inside him._

 

_He needn’t be there for Daniel when Seongwoo was there._

 

\ \ \

 

“... What do you say, Jaehwan?”

 

Jaehwan snaps out of his trail of thoughts. “Uh, what?”

 

“I asked of we could hang out a little more; just us three.”

 

The answer is right there, at the tip of his tongue. _No_. It’s that easy.

 

But somehow, the words never leave his throat, stuck there and creating a painful lump. Why was it so hard? Was it because he didn’t want to disappoint them? He didn’t want to let down their expectations?

 

Was it because he wanted to stay?

 

“C’mon, it’s been so long since we hung out together, and this guy never came till now. Just today, okay?” Seongwoo persuades, and Jaehwan finds himself nodding.

 

In the back of his mind, a sliver of hope rises, even when he knows it’s futile.

 

He’ll stupidly love him, and always, always get hurt, knowing he’ll be nothing more than a friend to him.

 

Because he's Kang Daniel. Because it's _them_.

 

Because it's him.


	5. hiraeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE MY SORRY ASS PLEASE ;-;
> 
> i got caught up with college that i had to write this with the little time i had ;; i'll try my best to not make such a late update again!
> 
> also 50+ kudos and 600+ hits THANK YOU SO MUCH <33333
> 
> warning: the (apparent) epitome of unrequited love-angst is below. :D

 

 

If Daniel wanted to jump off the car, now he wants to jump off a _cliff_ , he doesn’t care anymore. He fiddles with his phone in his hands, wondering if he should just tell any lame excuse and escape this… situation that he finds himself in.

 

After two years of avoiding, ignoring, and coping, this is what he comes back to: Kim Jaehwan, and his stupid love for him.

 

(Little does he know, that his stupid love would be reciprocated if he just _told_ him.)

 

“It’s been so long, right?” Seongwoo speaks up, nervousness clear in his voice. He’s trying to lighten the heavy air in the car, but that seems to be barely working. “We should do this more; these trips. The three of us.”

 

 _No thank you_ , Daniel wants to say, his mind voice dripping with sarcasm. As if trying not to suffocate under the pressure _now_ wasn’t enough. “Yeah,” He hums instead.

 

He opens the window, feeling too… burdened by the air inside and props a hand on the window sill, letting the chill air of midnight brush his face. Seongwoo must have turned the music player on, because he recognizes a familiar song, but he only vaguely focuses on it. His mind is blank but at the same time, full with everything. He feels overwhelmed, but also blank. It’s confusing, really: even as he tries to not think of anything, it’s somehow still full with _something_ he cannot pinpoint. Regret? Anger? Nervousness? Fear?

 

Love?

 

He looks at the rear-view mirror-- a stupid move, he’d say, because his eyes meet Jaehwan’s as soon as he looks, and freezes at place. It’s like no matter how much he tries, the place he’d always come to is his home-- Jaehwan. He was home, the place he never had but longs for. The place that never existed but he always returned to.

 

No matter the time, the place or the circumstance, Daniel would always return to Jaehwan and his love for him.

 

He carefully, heavily tears his gaze away, forcing himself to look back at the dark night sky. There isn't even a few stars; it’s really a dark night.

 

/ / /

 

_“Couldn’t sleep?”_

 

_Daniel turns to the sudden voice that echoes in the dark. “Jaehwan?”_

 

_“I can hear your thoughts from here,”_

 

_He was pretty sure the rest were asleep when he had slipped out of his bed in midnight, finding solace in the empty living room. It was raining, but he’s pretty sure that wasn’t the reason he was unable to sleep. He never seems to know the reason for many of the things he does, and he has learned to not question and just accept it as it is, so he doesn’t question this either; thinks it’s just one of his anxiety bouts, now that their comeback was nearing._

 

_“Really?” He asks, flustered but trying to cover it up. “Wow, was I that loud?”_

 

_Jaehwan laughs for the courtesy and accompanies him, a hand naturally wrapping over his shoulder. “What is it?”_

 

_“I don’t know,” He says with a pout after trying to think of the reason. “I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like sleeping?”_

 

_The way he worded it as a question would definitely make Jaehwan doubt him. “Is it because of the comeback?” It does make him doubt._

 

_“... Maybe?” He says, feeling his eyes sting and a lump in his throat. Maybe he was right, maybe it was nothing but the comeback getting to him. All the exhaustion, imperfections, and self-doubt hitting him like a wave. “I-I don’t know, I just--”_

 

_They fall out anyway; the tears. Like a dam that broke._

 

_Surprisingly, Jaehwan says nothing. He says nothing, but that alone says a lot. The arm over his shoulder only tightens a little, in simple hopes of comfort. He gladly leans into the touch, letting everything go._

 

 _For a while, it’s just him, Jaehwan and the darkness. For a while, everything seems normal, okay,_ fine _. Like the burden is a bad dream that weighs him down, that makes him nervous and worked up._

 

_He doesn’t even notice when he sleeps, but he feels okay when he does, Jaehwan’s arm around him giving nothing but the warmth and comfort he needs._

 

\ \ \

 

“... here!” Daniel snaps out when Seongwoo yells at him, and even then, he doesn’t feel like himself. “Let’s get down, come on!”

 

Now that he thinks, when has he ever felt like himself? The celebrity Kang Daniel was different from Kang Daniel, and in the years that have passed, he seems to have forgotten what it is like to be himself. True, he does get time for himself, but were those enough to make him feel like how it was before everything? How it felt to desperately want something, to the point of life or death, eyes set on that and that alone? How it felt to not think of anything else but the stage he had so eagerly wanted?

 

“Come on,” Jaehwan speaks up, snapping him out of this thoughts again. “It’s been long, right?”

 

He nods, flustered at Jaehwan talking like nothing was wrong; like nothing ever happened. Who knows, maybe it _is_ nothing for him; how would he ever know what Daniel felt?

 

\- - -

 

Jaehwan figures it’s the best to pretend to not acknowledge the awkwardness between them, but now it feels like he’s just lying to himself. There’s no way he can _not_ acknowledge this wall between them, growing and never stopping.

 

In a small corner of his mind, he regrets coming today. A part of his heart is happy to have come, to have _seen_ him at least. But it still hurts all the same when he sees Seongwoo beside him, like a protective barrier between him and Daniel. He felt bad for being able to do what Seongwoo did-- the little grips of comfort, the arms around his wide shoulders, a smile here, a laugh there.

 

All he did was make Daniel feel like a stranger. As if they’re meeting for the first time. A lot of changes, a lot of words at the tip of the tongue but never said out loud. A pole that would never attract anymore.

 

He wonders why Seongwoo chose to go to a karaoke, out of all the places they could go to. Memories keep invading his thoughts when he doesn’t want them to, and he can’t do anything to stop it either. It’s kind of pathetic, in a way, but he’s gotten used to feeling low.

 

“Are you two really gonna ruin the only night we get by looking like you lost your life?” Seongwoo asks, looking through the list of songs in the karaoke machine. “Really! Oh my god, you guys are really no fun!”

 

“That’s you, hyung,” Jaehwan speaks up, determined to not let this ruin their night. His broken heart can wait for another time to cry it all out; he doesn’t want to ruin anything for the two because of _him_. It was pointless to let his mood affect two oblivious people.

 

“What _ever_ ,” Seongwoo replies, punching in the code for a song that's in his blurred memories. He's not good at remembering stuff (except things which hurt him, that is).

 

Time passes by with Seongwoo and Daniel taking turns, both choosing happy, upbeat songs that does nothing to his self-wallowing. He just watches them with a fixed smile, at the two dancing around each other, laughing wholeheartedly, making fun and just enjoying their time.

 

He feels like an unnecessary third wheel.

 

He had denied all of Seongwoo’s pestering to make him sing; he doesn’t think he’ll be able to, not with Daniel around. He can’t even _pretend_ to be happy and laugh, it’ll probably look painfully forced.

 

“Come on, Hwan-ah, we can’t _not_ let you go without singing! Our main vocal _has_ to show his powers, right?”

 

He can see that Seongwoo’s trying so hard, but he doesn’t want to. He’s afraid he’ll break down somewhere in the middle, all the days of pent up feelings poured out in an instant. He doesn’t know why, but now that he sees Daniel right before him, something in him keeps overflowing-- he doesn’t know what it is.

 

(He knows what it is.)

 

“You should do it,” Daniel says with a wide smile. _He’s probably drunk_ , Jaehwan wonders as he tries to contain his own smile that’s peeking out in the corners. He can’t help it. “I want to listen to you.”

 

And just how can Kim Jaehwan deny that simple request?

 

\- - -

 

Maybe it’s the alcohol acting up finally; maybe that’s what Daniel decides to be himself for that night. He decides to pretend that they were still in Wanna One; that nothing was complicated. That they were Kang Daniel, Ong Seongwoo and Kim Jaehwan. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

“I want to listen to you.”

 

The words slip out before he can realize. He _does_ miss listening to him; to his pointless rants, to his silent tears, to his comforting silence. He misses listening to _him_ ; doesn’t think he can ever stop.

 

He sees Jaehwan get up, and somewhere in his heart, something fills the void he had been feeling all these days-- by very little, but still, it fills it, slowly, naturally. Somewhere, the sliver of hope hidden at the deepest part of his heart starts to grow.

 

He takes a deep breath; suppresses it altogether. He think he’s become so good at suppressing feelings that he won’t be surprised if he’d end up feeling nothing one day. It doesn’t feel that far away, to be honest.

 

It takes him a while to realize the silence hung over the small place, the small beats of percussion slowly taking over. Seongwoo looks _hurt_ for some odd reason when he decides to look up at him.

 

He wonders if it’s a coincidence or a really,really indirect way of exposing him, but he stares at the title of the song on the machine screen: Hopeless Love

 

He remembers listening to it, loving it, almost crying over it, but never had he thought of Kim Jaehwan with it. Even if it was the exact case with him, he still had never thought of Jaehwan with the song.

 

His mind goes blank for the first few seconds of the song, barely registering Jaehwan’s voice for someone who wanted to listen to him. Was this all his regrets hitting back at him? Weren’t his tears till now enough? Did he really have to end up crying now?

 

He holds back whatever that is that blocks his throat from any sound, and slowly brings himself to focus on reality.

 

“ _In your eyes that look at me,_  
_there aren’t any feelings that are like mine_  
_It’s such a sad thing to know your heart_  ”

 

He feels Seongwoo’s arm tightening around his own again, but he still cannot feel the reassurance he’s trying to give. He feels of himself to be alone, with no one around him except Jaehwan, his voice echoing in his empty mind, over and over. It’s almost like he’s alluding to _him_ \-- knowing how his life is, indeed, hopeless. It hurts, it hurts till he feels like his heart is being pierced through.

 

He keeps a stern smile throughout.

 

Somewhere in between, Jaehwan’s eyes are fixed on him, just like how his eyes are fixed on Jaehwan. It’s like an endless dive down the hollowness-- deeper and deeper but nothing to find out. Blocked out, like an intruder. He could hear it in his voice, the emotion; could feel it resonate within himself because that's exactly what he felt. More than the sliver of hope, it's the all-too-familiar disappointment that grows.

 

If Jaehwan had never had the same feelings as he had, maybe he'd given up now. Maybe... Maybe he's moved on for good, and Daniel's still left alone with his untold feelings.

 

“ _I know there’s no hope, so every time I look at you_  
_It’s so hard, because I love you so much_  
_It hurts so much when you say I’m just a friend_  
_I’m standing outside the line that I can’t ever cross_  
_It hurts but why can’t I turn away?_  
_This hopeless love_  ”

 

It's hard, he knows it is, but that doesn't do anything for him to look away. For a moment, he sees himself reflected in Jaehwan’s eyes. But it's only for a moment before the latter looks away, away and far away, and he finds himself being lost again, lost in a place with no way out.

 

The home he had found in him, he realizes, was never there.

 

\- - -

 

The ride back home is equally hard, but Daniel’s glad to be the first one to drop off. As soon as the car disappears around the corner, he feels like he could _breathe_. It’s stupid, actually, and he knows he’s just paranoid of a lot of things in general, but he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly when he was with Jaehwan, almost like being stuck in a barely ventilated room. It was tiring and suffocating, and above all he strangely felt guilty.

 

Maybe that is why as soon as he sees Jisung, he bursts out. He’s thankful that they got a room for themselves.

 

Jisung says nothing, nothing at all, probably knowing he’ll need time first. He would know how exhausting a day it would have been for him; maybe how stupid he is for not even being able to handle any of this. It’s nothing, he knows, but sometimes it just gets too hard. He’s thankful that Jisung understands.

 

Only words of ‘It’s okay’ and ‘You’re fine’ fill his ears; white lies that he knows that are never true. Still, he’s fine by hearing that. He’s okay with Jisung’s hand carding through his hair, with his comforting pats across his back, with his silence waiting to be filled with questions. Maybe Jisung expected this.

 

“H-Hyung,” He finally chokes out voice thick and hoarse from crying. “I-I still love him,” He finally admits. “I-I’m so stupid--”

 

It feels too real when he says that out loud, so he buries his face back into Jisung’s shoulder again. He could feel Jisung nod against his hair.

 

“That-- It isn’t stupid, Niel-ah,” He says, pulling away forcefully. “It isn’t stupid, it just means you couldn’t move on, and it’s _okay_.”

 

“I’m loving someone who can’t even _stand_ me now, how am I not stupid? I know he won’t look at me the same way, but I still love him!”

 

“Sometimes…” Jisung pauses, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly in thought. “Sometimes, that’s just how love works. And you don’t know if he doesn’t like you or not--”

 

“I can _see_ it, he would never look at me in that way!” He yells, biting his tongue when he realizes that his voice was probably loud.

 

“Maybe you’re just not noticing it enough,” Jisung says, and somewhere in his heart, he knows it’s futile. He doesn’t know if that part of his heart was saying the right thing or not, but he chooses to believe it. “You might still have a chance, Daniel.”

 

He doesn’t say anything; just snuggles closer to Jisung, feeling the physical exhaustion pull his eyes close. He knows it's all lies, lies of bliss for the moment

 

\- - -

 

It takes Jaehwan a lot of time to get himself up and going, his peripheral mind still replaying what had happened last night. It just hurts him, a dull throb that he had gotten used to.

 

Just when he was half-way through moving on and finally, _finally_ forgetting about him, this happens. Maybe it’s just his own actions biting back at him, a painful reminder of what could’ve been a happy life for him. Maybe he's bound to feel the regret he's been pushing to the back of his mind; the realization of what could've been a different situation. He had remember crying himself to sleep, knowing too well that it was too late to do anything, but still hoping for him to come back. It was a futile wish, he knows that, yet that didn’t stop him from hoping; never has. Hope was all that he hung onto; hoping he'd be a good son to his parents, a good singer in the industry, a good person to those around him. The best partner for his someone.

 

He wakes up to a splitting headache, puffed eyes and Daniel’s face in flashes of memories. As if everything wasn’t enough already. He closes his eyes, shut tightly, as if that would stop the memories from the past flooding in.

 

(It doesn’t.)

 

/ / /

 

_“I’m sure hyung won’t tell anything!” Daniel whispers excitedly, grabbing onto Jaehwan’s hand in case he decides to run back into his room. “It’s been so long since we went to a karaoke! And everyone are really knocked out tired, and you’re the only one awake!”_

 

_If there's one thing Jaehwan knows, it's the fact that he could be the greatest pushover to Daniel. He finds it really hard to deny any of Daniel’s requests; maybe because Daniel’s a good persuader. (Or he’s just too weak-hearted for Daniel, but he won’t admit that.)_

 

 _“We have a schedule tomorrow--” Jaehwan says, but he’s fazed by Daniel’s pleading eyes. How can he ever deny a face like_ that _? He feels like he’s too weak, but also feels like it’s okay. “You’re asking manager hyung, not me.”_

 

 _Daniel does a little dance before running off to call their manager, leaving Jaehwan chuckling to himself at how_ cute _that just was._

 

_In a surprisingly short time, Jaehwan finds himself starting their manager’s car, Daniel trying to contain his excitement beside him. He won’t tell it didn’t feel nice, to drive and go out after what felt like a long time. It feels free, almost too free to be true with their tight schedules with really no time to breathe, but Daniel’s right beside him, with that bright smile and the happiest heart, and he knows it’s true. Daniel’s right beside him, and everything is okay._

 

_“When was the last time we were without cameras around us?” He thinks aloud, and Daniel chuckles._

 

_“It is kind of frustrating, right?” Daniel asks, looking at the road before them. “I wish we could go on a long drive.”_

 

_Jaehwan gives it a thought; it wouldn't hurt, would it? “Should we?”_

 

_“We have a schedule tomorrow,” Daniel says, pursing his lips in obvious dejection. “I wish we could go, too.”_

 

_“Let's go.” He says, pressing on the accelerator, determined._

 

_It takes a while for Daniel to realize what Jaehwan meant by that. “Hwan-ah, we have a schedule tomorrow, we can't just go off like that!”_

 

_“You said you wanted to,”_

 

_“I do! But not now; manager hyung trusted us. Let's go on this drive another day, promise?”_

 

_Jaehwan stops the car with a halt. “You think we’d get a chance?”_

 

_“Well, you don't know, we might.” Daniel shrugs, and Jaehwan only scoffs._

 

_“Yeah, with two cameras in our hands and one on the dashboard. That's the only chance we’ll get.” He laughs, laughs, and laughs till he feels like he’s high on something. “I’m fucking done with the cameras. Can't we have time for ourselves?”_

 

_Daniel doesn't say anything; just looks at him with wide eyes. Jaehwan knows how it'd be more hard for him, since he basically lived around cameras, almost never able to breathe as Kang Daniel, and be Wanna One's Kang Daniel without a break. It's harder for him, yet Jaehwan's the one whining like a kid._

 

_“How problematic could it be to ask for a week off--?” He starts, but Daniel cuts him off._

 

_“We aren't gonna be around forever; just for a year and a half. Of course they'd pack it with schedules--”_

 

 _“I_ know _,” Jaehwan almost yells, gripping onto the steering tight. “I know we won't be a group forever, but still! We’re humans, they can't expect us to stay at home or the practice room all day! I thought I was done with that years ago, that’s why I even left the company I was in.”_

 

 _“Yet you came back,” Daniel states. “You wanted to continue, you wanted to be known. Isn't that what we all want in the end? Name and fame for ourselves? Wasn't that what_ everyone _in the show wanted?”_

 

 _To that, Jaehwan couldn't answer. It was the truth, now that he thinks. It_ is _the truth if he thinks into it even more._

 

_“We’ll get time, Jaehwan. Everyone gets their time; we just work hard for it. You think we won't be able to go out like this after Wanna One? Hell, that’s what the fans would like!” Daniel says, grinning wide once again. “News articles about all of our friendship will come out, don't you think? You thought of our relationship to be that bad?”_

 

 _Jaehwan chuckles at the thought of what he said._ Of course _the fans would like it. He nods to himself, the heaviness in his chest finally going away._

 

_“We're gonna be together forever, Jaehwan. You and me, our group, everyone, even if you don't like it. Maybe not as Wanna One, but we'll be together.” Daniel says. "And without cameras, probably."_

 

_Jaehwan only scoffs out a laugh in reply. “That better not be a lie.” He replies, starting the car again._

 

\ \ \

 

 _It did turn out to be a lie in the end_ , he think. _The biggest lie ever_.

 

He looks at the shelf beside his bed, decorated with all gifts he receives from his friends and family. Amidst everything is a rather large picture frame, of 11 boys and happiness that he thought would come along forever. He could very well be happy now, but at what cost? His heart?

 

“It was all a lie, right?” He says, not exactly expecting a reply. If he had got all the answers he wanted when he asked for it, maybe he wouldn't be like this.

 

He could have went after the happy life, but after someone who would never look at him in that way felt pointless, and he knew it’d only lead to heartbreak. That's why he backed away.

 

What he didn't expect was that someone else would receive the love he had always wanted.

 

He knows Seongwoo means no harm or competition of any sorts, but he feels himself belittled by what Seongwoo does; what Seongwoo manages to do for Daniel that he can't. Daniel is visibly relaxed, comfortable and _happier_ with Seongwoo than with him. He's the same with Jisung, but he knows that Jisung is a brother-like figure to him, if not a parent-like figure. With Seongwoo, though, he feels so little compared to Seongwoo and his part in Daniel’s life. Even the media praises them for their closeness, then who was he to get in between them? Seongwoo would make Daniel smile, make him happy and comfort him whenever needed. He would bear all of Daniel’s strange and unique habits, and never complain. He isn’t sure if he’ll be able to even make him _smile_. So he knew; knew that Seongwoo would be way better for Daniel than him.

 

“It was a lie,” He utters again, eyes fixated on the framed picture. “A lie.” He sees Daniel, and inevitably beside him, Seongwoo.

 

 _It's time I realized it_ , he thinks, and with a bitter laugh, tears his eyes away from the picture. It was just a picture, nothing more, nothing less. He had a life to go back to, sulking would do nothing to make it any better. As if it had made the days before this better in any way; there's no second chance.

 

He’ll be stuck in this place, alone, forever, without anyone to help him out, and the only one who can will blatantly ignore him. That's what he gets in the end, he thinks. That’s what he always gets: dejection, rejection and sadness to dwell in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is 'hopeless love' by jimin park (aka jamie) ;; i usually hear a LOT of sad songs so i was rly conflicted on what song to choose, but i think the concept of 'hopeless love' fits well for the situation ;~~;
> 
> please wait, i PROMISE this angst will be over and normalcy and fluff will come by soon c:
> 
> do leave kudos and comments! i really love reading them! :D and i drop spoilers once in a blue moon on my twitter ([@typical_fangrl](http://twitter.com/typical_fangrl)) but i mostly yell about my ult groups there <333 thanks for liking the fic!!!!


	6. don't wanna cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the next chapter~ i know i kinda keep apologizing for slow updates, and its bc college is rly hectic for me now that i'm a part of a magazine's editorial team. hope everyone understands :D enjoy!

 

 

It's been days, months even after what happened, and Daniel barely remembers it anymore. Maybe it's because he had suppressed it to the deep corners of his memories, never wanting to look back into it again. Maybe because it hurt him to think of it that he had purposefully forgot it.

 

He still remembers the call, though, and that might or might not have caused a paranoid trauma of receiving calls. He knows it’s pretty stupid to expect Jaehwan to _call_ him, but still, a part of his heart expects, and fears it happening. And now that everyone have his number and have added him to their group chat, it’s even more hard to take it and use it. They’re all in touch, yes, and are closer than ever, but its not under the name Wanna One, and that puts Daniel off. It makes him remember those days, memories he had cherished but that still hurt when he thought of it. They had wanted to be together, but they couldn’t be.

 

He shakes his head off the thought, standing up as the song plays somewhere in between. He’s lost in between the choreography and his thoughts, but somehow, he still finishes it.

 

He simply didn’t know of any other way to distract him than work. Rap, vocals, dance, he keeps repeating it over and over till his body feels like giving up, but he doesn’t stop yet. He _cannot_ stop; he wants this distraction.

 

Still, memories flood his mind like a broken dam, without an end, and he can only give into them, falling endlessly into the little bliss he had at seeing them. He thought it’d hurt; a lot, but it surprisingly didn't.

 

He falls, falls endlessly into the flashes of memories despite his wish; of laughter and happiness; of comfort and trust and belief; of promises and ambitions shared together, but broken one day. He wants to stay above; doesn't want to fall, because falling would hurt him in the end, no matter how blissful it is in the way. He falls, but tries to stay afloat.

 

“Daniel?”

 

He falls. Quite literally, because he doesn't feel the floor beneath his feet anymore, except for a fraction of a second. What collides with the floor instead is his arm, the _crack_ loud and almost deafening.

 

After that, everything is pretty much a blur. It's only the pain that he remembers, the splitting pain in his arm and his legs, which mutes everything else. Somewhere, he remembers seeing Jisung and Hyeonsoo, but he isn't sure.

 

 _Never sure_ , he thinks with a weak laugh, consciousness floating in and out. _I’m never sure of anything in my life_.

 

\- - -

 

Jaehwan wakes up with a start.

 

It was only in the eerie hours of midnight that he had come back home, practice for his new promotional cycle happening with full force that he doesn't even get a break to breathe. It's hard, but nothing like how it was when he was in Wanna One. Schedules left and right, up and down the country and outside the country for more than half of the year. Compared to that, this was nothing.

 

He blanks out for a few second before realizing that it's his phone ringing. It's late afternoon, his stomach is growling for food, but it's only after seeing the name on the screen that he actually wakes up.

 

“Jisung?”

 

Automatically, his memories flash back to the day his despair had started all over again. He's almost afraid to answer the call, but strangely, he wants to answer it, too. He can't choose between the two sides of his heart.

 

Before he comes to a decision, the call ends, leaving his thoughts hanging in the air. Should he have answered? His mind is filled with questions and uncertainty, the silence heavy and suffocating until the phone rings again. But this time, it’s not Jisung; it’s…

 

“Woojin?” He questions, and doesn’t hesitate to answer this time. “Woojinie?”

 

“ _Hyung, are you free?_ ”

 

“Eh?” He hums in curiosity. “For what?”

 

“ _Just… Jisung hyung called you, but you didn't answer?_ ”

 

“I was sleeping, that’s why.”

 

“ _Oh… okay, just come to Seoul University Hospital, okay? We’ll be waiting_.”

 

“Okay-- Wait, what? Hospital? For wh-- Woojin? Yah, Park Woojin!” Jaehwan stares at his mobile phone dumbly, confused by the conversation that just happened.

 

“Hospital?” He questions again, more to himself. Did he hear it right? Did Woojin just say _hospital_? His mind goes into overdrive, and soon he’s slipping into the most decent outfit he can gather and walking out, not even caring about wearing a mask. It does take him some time to hail a cab and go, but his mind is filled with various thoughts. He looks at his phone once, but the idea of calling Woojin again escapes his mind, at least for that time.

 

\- - -

 

“He said he’s coming,” Woojin says, still very much confused. “But why’d you tell me to do this?”

 

“Just because,” Seongwoo says, ruffling his hair.

 

“Really; Niel hyung is fine right? Like, he isn’t badly injured or anything?”

 

“God, _no_ , how many times do I tell that to you? He’s just fine”

 

“You sure are acting like this is the end of--”

 

“You’ll stop _right there_ , Park Woojin,” Seongwoo says, a finger pointing threateningly. “He just fractured his arm and twisted his ankle, there’s nothing more than that.”

 

Woojin only shrugs with a confused frown, choosing to look through his phone instead.

 

Seongwoo leans back on the chair, his thoughts immediately taking over. This would be okay, right? Won’t this bring them together? It was _kind of_ a lie, but surely no one would be hurt by this? He did this for _them_ , so it wouldn't do any bad.

 

Right?

 

He sighs to himself, sinking deeper in the sea of questions flooding his mind. He's just being paranoid, he knows that but he still feels something not sitting right in his idea. He feels like there’ll be a huge block somewhere in the middle.

 

He just wants them to be happy, and he simply doesn't know any other way than this. The tension he sensed that day still sent shudders inside him-- to think that two people who were closer than ever had went so far away that nothing could bring them back together, and to think it's because of their own feelings for _each other_ , it’s absurd, really. And this is the only way he can think of to bring them together.

 

He looked at the door to Daniel’s room, and sighs to himself; hopefully, everything goes right.

 

When Jaehwan arrives, Seongwoo feels almost _guilty_ for doing what he did. The look of genuine worry on his face makes him feel bad, but he purses his lips and clenches his fist tight, not wanting to make it obvious.

 

“Who got hurt?” is the first thing he asks, looking around him at everyone. Not that there was much people anyway; just him, Woojin, Daehwi, Minhyun and Jisung.

 

“You came?” Jisung looks genuinely surprised, and its partly Seongwoo’s fault. Maybe he should’ve told him about this.

 

“I,” he stands up, raising his hand meekly. “I called him.”

 

“Can someone answer _me_ first?” Jaehwan interrupts. “Who’s admitted?”

 

“Daniel.” Jisung says, and Seongwoo gulps, fearing his reaction. He knew how different it was now, and he worried if his plan would fail and he’d leave, never to come back again.

 

There’s a pause, a silence that hangs heavy in the air as Jaehwan’s face slowly fills with disbelief. Seongwoo gives Jisung a look pleading for help, but finds him in almost the same helplessness as he is.

 

“D-Daniel?” Jaehwan asks, visibly relaxing from the tension he was in when he entered. Still, the worry remained, if not doubled. “How?”

 

Only silence remains. _Hell, no one’s even breathing_ , Seongwoo wonders. He gulps, the answer ready at the tip of his tongue.

 

“Who’s with Kang Daniel?” A foreign voice interrupts and breaks the tension, and Jisung and the manager who came along with him go to the person, talking in whispers.

 

“How did it happen?” Jaehwan whispers to Woojin, who goes on explaining the situation.

 

Seongwoo wonders once again if his plan would fail. He isn't that brilliant in making plans, but he hopes it works out this time.

 

As soon as Jisung comes back to the group, he takes a deep breath, keeping whatever it is inside him. “He’ll have to stay for a week or so, just to make sure nothing bad happened. I’ll stay for tonight,” He says, looking at his palms. “They're saying he’s not cooperating much.”

 

“What?” Daehwi asks.

 

“Something like rejecting the medicines? That's what they told anyway; plus, he's too exhausted. Maybe that’s why.” Jisung shrugs. “I’ll be staying tonight.”

 

“Can we go in?” Jaehwan asks, fiddling with his fingers, and it takes one look of it to know how tense he is. “Now?”

 

Jisung nods, and the first one to enter the room is Jaehwan, followed by Seongwoo and Woojin, the rest choosing to wait outside.

 

Jaehwan seems to look like walking on eggshells, careful to not make one noise.

 

“It’s the medicines; and don't worry, he’s a heavy sleeper.”

 

“I know,” Jaehwan says, chuckling a little. It’s nice to see him like that. Seongwoo looks at Jisung, and knows he feels the same, too.

 

Seongwoo can only hope that everything gets right between them.

 

/ / /

 

_It isn’t long before Seongwoo realizes that their interactions as Wanna One had changed to something much more than just friendship; he’s just too afraid to assume._

 

_He thinks he knows Daniel enough to notice his actions change, but then again, he also knows how good of an actor he is. He doesn’t know many of the things Daniel chose not to tell him. It had always been like that; Daniel only showed what he wanted to, and he did it so flawlessly that no one could ever know that a face as bright as his would carry anything but happiness and content._

 

_Produce 101 was a competition, yes, and they knew they had to help themselves to get their prized debut, but somehow, Seongwoo could never feel that with Daniel. Daniel was just a… friend. A friend who he met in a circumstance where he shouldn’t have, because at that point everything in his mind, everything in Daniel’s mind was the debut. Despite the competition and rivalry, they grew close, more close than anyone else. And it isn’t like the media discouraged it; it was easy for them to get close to the point where they were dubbed ‘boyfriends’, but again, he doesn’t care._

 

_Even if he and Daniel had got close, there were still many things that were kept a secret from each other. One of such things was Daniel’s anxiety bouts._

 

_As far as he knows, only Jisung and his friends from MMO knew about it and had done whatever they can, but it isn’t like they can suddenly cure him off of stage anxiety. It had gotten considerably less, only when he felt too overwhelmed by everything around him, but it was still there._

 

_Daniel might look like an open book, but there was lots of pages stuck together, too strong to rip open, and that’s what worried Seongwoo the most. Whether there would be no one who would be by him, because he knew just him and Jisung weren’t enough._

 

 _That was when he found Jaehwan. He saw how the two shared a genuine heart, how they were comfortable around each other, how_ Daniel _was comfortable showing his most genuine self around him. Maybe others won’t notice, but he sees how different it is._

 

_And he wants that. For Daniel, for Jaehwan; for himself. Call him selfish, but all he wants is for Daniel to be happy. It might be out of affection, or mere obligation; he doesn’t care._

 

_All he wants is for Daniel to be happy, and nothing else._

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

Daniel is pretty surprised when he wakes and the first thing he sees is Jaehwan. Not Jisung, not Seongwoo or Hyeonsoo; it's Jaehwan.

 

“Um,” Jaehwan hums as soon as he sees Daniel, awake and obviously confused. “Jisung hyung went to to the company? To talk about something, I-I guess.”

 

“Oh,” Daniel says after a long minute, eyes wandering everywhere.

 

To think out of all circumstances they could be in, it's when Daniel can't even move (and run away).

 

“H-How are you?” He asks, and Daniel feels all the heat gathering up in his head. He feels light, and almost out of place. Maybe this is just a dream.

 

“I’m,” he pinches himself under the sheets; it hurts, and nothing has changed. So it is real, after all. “I’m okay now.”

 

Jaehwan nods, pursing his lips in thought. What he is thinking, Daniel doesn't know, but one thing he knows for sure is that he looks so _cute_ doing that. He could literally feel his heart burst with affection.

 

All these years, he thought everything between them had changed, but in the end, it hadn’t. Some things never change, and Daniel is happy that this is one of them.

 

Maybe he let out a smile unconsciously, because Jaehwan has his eyebrows raised in question. Some things never change, indeed. They still don't need words to understand what they have to say.

 

He shakes his head, still smiling, if not wider than before. And if Jaehwan thinks its weird, he doesn't say it out loud.

 

“How--” Jaehwan clears his throat, eyes still wavering. “How did it happen?”

 

Daniel pauses to think. How did it happen anyway? All he remembers is dancing, and then falling down. And then… And then?

 

In the end, all he does is shrug, pursing his lips and hoping it's an answer good enough.

 

“You're always the same,” Jaehwan chuckles breathily. “Still getting hurt, still not caring about yourself.”

 

Daniel joins with laughter. Some things do never change, he realizes. Just like this moment now. He feels like they’re back to being Wanna One again, back to when they were more close than mere colleagues would ever be. He wonders what exactly happened for them to fall apart; knows the answer, but still searches for it anyway.

 

“And you’re still the same, nagging me all the time like Jisung hyung.”

 

This feels okay; he feels okay after what felt like decades.

 

The room falls silent again, suddenly the both have ran out of conversations. Daniel wants to _talk_ , so desperate wants to just keep listening to him; he had never felt so wanting in his life.

 

“So,” He starts again, awkward but enough to grab the latter’s attention. “How did you know?”

 

“Woojin told me,” Jaehwan answers readily. “Didn't even tell me _who_ got hurt and told me to come to the hospital like it was all normal and fine.”

 

Daniel hums, trying to think of a way to keep the conversation going, but unable to come up with anything.

 

He reminisces how _easy_ it was for them to not talk anything and still be comfortable enough. What have they come to?

 

/ / /

 

_Daniel had noticed the dejection and fear that was barely evident, but still, visible on Jaehwan’s face as he backed away, naturally moving towards the wall, embarrassed after his evaluation._

 

_It isn’t like Daniel hadn’t noticed how Jaehwan came back late at nights, especially after the announcement of their first song; mostly because he himself couldn’t sleep. He had noticed that Jaehwan usually was one of the last few who stayed back at the practice rooms._

 

_That night, Daniel stays up to wait for him, but it’s almost past twelve and he still isn’t back yet. He’s getting more fidgety and wonders if he should go to the practice rooms and see for himself._

 

 _He contemplates for a long time before he sees a silhouette of someone in a black coat, stopping right at the entrance of the dorm building._ Ah, _he thinks._ The cameramen.

 

_It isn’t long before Jaehwan himself enters the building, visibly exhausted. Daniel wonders if this would be a good time to talk about it to him, just when he looks like he could drop to the floor any minute._

 

_“Kang Daniel?” Jaehwan calls out, confusion visible. Maybe he’s not holding back because he’s exhausted, because Daniel had found it pretty hard to read him before. “What're you doing so late?”_

 

_“I-I was--”_

 

_“Goodnight,” Jaehwan cuts the conversation off, retreating back to his room, closing the door rather loudly._

 

 _The thud of the door echoes in Daniel’s ears. He knows he has to talk to him somehow; he knows he_ wants _to._

 

_Surprisingly, it doesn't take him that long. Kim Jaehwan is more easy going than what he thought, and approaching him made him feel at ease, without any awkwardness. Subsequently, they started sharing hours together, mostly helping each other on their lacking part, but still, being with each other._

 

_‘Sorry Sorry’ was where they really got closer, maybe closer than ever. They spent much more hours practicing, helping and just spending their free time around each other. Although Daniel’s closeness with Seongwoo was telecasted more, he felt like Jaehwan was more close to him than Seongwoo was._

 

_“I want to debut,” He says into the darkness on their last night at the dorm, voice filled with fear and uncertainty._

 

_“You can do it.”  Jaehwan assures him from across the bed. Daniel doesn't know why, but he wants to believe in his words. He wants to think that they will debut together, not separately but as a group; as the final group the fans around the nation have chosen._

 

_“Debuting will be fun, right?” He asks back, only to be replied with Jaehwan’s own chuckle._

 

_“Of course it’ll be fun.” He replies._

 

_Silence envelops the room, but Daniel is more than comfortable with it. This was it; the last time the they’ll be together at one place. The last time they might possibly be together. Everyone’s bags were packed tight, but only 11 of them would be moving to a new place; towards a new start. The rest would either go home or have their own new starts. But the 11 of them; they would be the ‘nation’s pick’._

 

 _Somewhere, in his heart, Daniel feels assured with Jaehwan’s words. Maybe he will debut; maybe_ they _will debut. He’s excited and nervous at the same time, but the comforting silence between them makes him calm down._

 

\ \ \

 

“Oh? You’ve woken up,” Jisung says as soon as he enters the room, hoping to break the heavy silence looming in the atmosphere. It isn't like he waits outside for five minutes, trying to listen to what and how they were talking, he’d never do that.

 

“Yeah,” Daniel says, voice a bit low and regretful. And Jisung understands why. “Where did you go?”

 

“I went to talk with the company,” Jisung replies, settling down on the other bed in the room.

 

"About the injury, right?" Daniel asks, shrugging. "I mean, they'd definitely know about it."

 

"Yeah... That was one thing."

 

"I'm sorry, hyung," Daniel looks at the cast on his ankle with a frown. "I didn't want this to happen."

 

Jisung feels so bad; they have stayed together for so many years, and Jisung had changed lots of things about him, except for this:blaming himself for what wasn't in his hands in the first place. "Did you do it on purpose?" He asks with a glare.

 

"I would never--"

 

"Then why are you apologizing?" He asks, and Daniel opens his mouth to say something, but doesn't find anything to say.

 

"It happened to me, right? If I didn't--"

 

"Stop it, Kang Daniel," Jisung could almost feel the frustration bubbling up in him. "Until when are you going to be like this? I know you feel bad, we all feel bad, too, but that doesn't mean you have to take the blame yourself when you didn't even do anything."

 

Daniel has his head at the lowest; a habitual gesture whenever Jisung (or anyone, for that matter) is scolding him.

 

"I won't do that again, hyung." Daniel says with a meek voice, which makes Jisung feel almost guilty.

 

"I'm telling it for your own best, Niel-ah."

 

In between their conversation, Jisung does notice Jaehwan sitting awkwardly, probably feeling out of place. As much as they like each other (pathetically), Jaehwan was not Jisung. What Jisung and Daniel have is much more than mere colleagueship or acquaintanceship. Jaehwan could never get to the level of comfort with Daniel, as Jisung did.

 

There's a long moment of silence, maybe not wanting to be broken by anyone, but obviously heavy.

 

"What else did you talk about?" Daniel asks, trying to smile.

 

Jisung braces himself, just in case. It feels heavy in his tongue, wanting to roll back in. But there's only so much he can keep inside himself, and he knows he had to say this.

 

"I'm gonna enlist in the military soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont hate me :(
> 
> leave comments and kudos on the fic! i really love it when you do that~


	7. please don't go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, i apologize for being so late >w< i swear i am trying my best
> 
> and yeah, this is VERY slow burn. buckle in for a slow ride :D

 

“I’m gonna enlist in the military soon.”

 

Jisung wonders with his breath held, whether it was just him or if the words were actually echoing around him. It sounded too loud, too deafening. Maybe because he didn't know how Daniel would react to it; didn't want to know it. But now that he’s looking at it, of every contour in his face, of every change in it… he doesn’t know. He simply doesn’t.

 

“Now?” Jaehwan asks, trying to break the heavy silence but failing. Jisung nods with a weak smile.

 

“I don't want to wait till I’m like, _thirty-five_ , and go compulsorily. The sooner I go, the better. It’s just two years--” He rambles, trying to hide his nervousness.

 

“Do you _have_ to?” Daniel interrupts, a sliver of hope glimmering in his eyes.

 

“We’re fixing the date, Niel-ah.”

 

He could see how the younger’s shoulder curled into himself, how his face went to the lowest. The light shudder, the tears welling in his eyes. It makes him feel like maybe he's doing something wrong, something  _bad_.

 

Daniel looks up, a forced smile on his face.

 

“You’re right, you should go.”

 

But Jisung understands what isn't worded.

 

_Why does everyone leave me?_

 

“Come on, you have Jaehwan, Seongwoo and all others around you. It’s just two years.” He tries to keep himself, but that's really hard when Daniel, someone who is more closer than anyone to him, looks at him like he’s betraying him. He knows Daniel thinks too much into things, and blows everything out of proportion in his mind, but he can’t help but feel guilty.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Jaehwan speaks up after what feels like a long time. “I-- All of us are here, right?”

 

Jisung feels a genuine smile on his face after what had felt like too long.

 

If he were to give a reason on why he decided on completing his compulsory military service now, one of it would be for Daniel’s own well-being. Of course, his age is a big factor, and he doesn’t want to put it off till the last minute, but he also wanted Daniel to learn how to be by himself. After years of being with him, Jisung had realized that Daniel, although looked confident by himself, tends to depend on others a lot, especially with Jisung.

 

He smiles at Daniel once again; hopes he understands. It’s hard, even for him, but he thinks they need this.

 

He thinks maybe he started depending on Daniel a lot, too. He remembers the time when he had to live in a one-room so called ‘apartment’ all by himself for most of his trainee years, and never once had he gotten himself attached to someone like he did to Daniel. He still remembers the day when he saw the younger’s wide, curious and passionate eyes for the first time, and at the enlistment notice in his hand.

 

He could only laugh at the time.

 

Jisung wishes he could pinpoint a reason for him to treasure Daniel so much that even his sister is kind of jealous at times, but really, all he can tell is that he never wanted Daniel to ever experience anything bad in his life. If he were to tell a reason without any exaggeration, he would simply say that he just wanted to protect him.

 

Daniel wasn't _that_ innocent, but there were still many things he was new to, back when he joined the company as a passionate, enthusiastic kid. Jisung would say that his period has a trainee might have dampened his initial spirit, but still he worked hard more than anyone Jisung has ever seen.

 

But even if he worked hard, there were still times when everything would get too much to handle, times when he would feel like he could just give up, and Jisung knew he shouldn't let the boy give up on his dream. He shouldn’t let such a boy lose his dream and live a monotonous life from a young age.

 

Maybe that was one of the reasons why Daniel ended up confiding in him for a lot of things; how Jisung seemed to just… be there for him whenever he needed. How he seemed to understand without the need for words. And Jisung doesn't blame him, really; most of his friends do say he’s a really supportive and strong shoulder to lean on. Jisung took pride on that fact.

 

It takes a long time for him to come back to the reality; to face Daniel without faltering in his decision.

 

“When are you…?” Daniel starts the question but doesn't end it, and Jisung wonders how they still don't need words to understand each other. “Enlisting?”

 

“Three months? Five at maximum,” Jisung nods to himself. It’s really hard to think about leaving Daniel for two years when he had not thought about it at all, not even once.

 

“That’s so sudden, though?” Jaehwan asks, and Jisung is partly glad for the interruption. “Like… won’t you have planned this like before a year or something? You always plan things beforehand”

 

“I do,” He chuckles half-heartedly. “I just didn't want to put it off any more, because I know I'll keep pushing it if I don't do it now.”

 

He thinks of the CEO’s reaction when he had told about this to him. A barely three-year old idol enlisting? He could very well enlist after at least five-years of being an idol; not when their group was barely an established name in the industry yet. True, they had more fans than a new group would usually have, but it mostly contributes to Jisung and Daniel’s fame from Wanna One. They still needed fair time to make a name for themselves instead of still being ‘Former Wanna One member’.

 

But Jisung knew he had to do this, for his own sake if not for Daniel’s.

 

For the time that Jaehwan is there, Daniel doesn’t utter a word, engrossed in his thoughts or maybe just blankly staring into space. Jisung knows his thoughts would probably be in overdrive, thinking of every possibility. That is who Daniel is; he always expected, he always thought more into things when he shouldn't.

 

After two calls from his manager and one of them being yelling at him to come right then, Jaehwan leaves for his dorm, visibly dejected. Jisung is kind of glad to see that Jaehwan might finally come back to Daniel, after two years of no contact. He is glad that at least one thing is for sure.

 

It’s only after Jaehwan leaves that Daniel even opens his mouth. Jisung expects a loud shriek, or even a few curses.

 

“I’m hungry,” Daniel says instead with a frown on his face, eyes fixed on the foot of the bed.

 

Jisung pauses for a while and chuckles at the question, and at the situation, before shaking his head. “You could’ve asked that before.”

 

“Jaehwan was there; how can I?”

 

“You know he won’t mind that.”

 

“Still,” Daniel’s frown deepens, and Jisung can't help but ruffle his hair as he sets out the lunch he had bought. It was cold and maybe stale because it hadn’t been opened for a long time, but he knows Daniel would love it; more than the hospital’s food, anyway. “You always say it's rude to ask things like this when someone else is there.”

 

“Jaehwan isn't someone else, though.”

 

Daniel opens his mouth to reply, but doesn't find any words. Jisung only smirks and hands the chopsticks to him. “Now eat.”

 

It's back to dead silence again, and Jisung wonders as he sees Daniel take little bites out of his lunch: _how he can leave Daniel and go_ . It’s a hard thought, and no matter however he tries, he only ends up with one convincing reason: _It’s for the best._

 

_For him. For them._

 

_For yourself._

 

\- - -

 

“Again!”

 

Jaehwan sighs, taking his headphones off. He’s been trying to record a song for the past two hours, but his mind is completely away from what he’s supposed to do.

 

“Yeah, I’ll go again,” He says half-heartedly, putting his earphones on and taking a deep breath.

 

_You can do this. You can do--_

 

“Kim Jaehwan, this isn't the time to play around!” The producer yells, and Jaehwan knows he kind of messed up. He missed the beat, and still didn't sing. “Do you understand?”

 

“Yes, PD-nim,” He sighs, pulling the headphones away. "I'll go again."

 

He isn’t someone who gets yelled at a lot. He knows his ways and his manners, and he knows what he should do. What he should be doing.

 

So why is everything about him faltering today?

 

“Come out for a while,” The producer calls him out after a long couple of minutes, and he makes his way gingerly, readying himself for maybe a smack or two. They’ve been stuck on the same song, and he could never go past the first verse.

 

“Is there something wrong?” is the first thing the producer asks, and Jaehwan isn’t quite sure on how to answer it.

 

Was there anything wrong?

 

He isn’t that pleasant with the answer he ends up with.

 

“So there is,” The producer’s voice snaps him out, and he realizes later that he had been frowning. “Listen, whatever your problem is, I hope it gets over soon. Because we need to submit all recordings in three weeks. I know it’s pretty hard, but… you know what to do.”

 

He nods. He nods and nods, but it doesn’t feel any different. It doesn’t feel any better.

 

“You can go today, maybe try to take your mind out of it.” The producer says, and he nods blankly, only realizing his words after walking out of the studio. Although it does make him rejoice, he doesn't feel it completely. A part of his mind is still down, still in thought.

 

_What was the problem?_

 

He still ends up at the same answer.

 

_Kang Daniel._

 

It’s almost close to being driven crazy, the overwhelming wave of feelings in his heart. But he realizes that there’s very little that he can do to keep it in control.

 

Besides, being with Daniel does bring some good to his mind. Or did, because he doesn't know about now.

 

/ / /

 

_“Again!”_

 

_Jaehwan flinches at the loud sound that came out of the blue. He knew his voice broke in between; not once, but thrice. He knew he messed it up. The one who got praises from a lot of people for his stable vocals, being scolded for not singing properly? He feels embarrassed._

 

_“Come out, we’ll deal with your part later.” The producer yells, and Jaehwan’s face is less than a deep frown when he comes out. “Minhyun, you go next.”_

 

_Jaehwan walks straight out of the studio, ignoring the stares, palms crookedly covering his face as he tries to take deep breaths._

 

_In, out. In, out. In--_

 

_“Jaehwan?”_

 

 _He looks up at Daniel a few feet away from him, sweat-ridden and face exhausted._ He must be practicing _, Jaehwan wonders, and another burden takes it's place in him. He needs to perfect the choreography._

 

_“Shouldn't you be recording?” Daniel asks, and Jaehwan looks up._

 

_“Y-Yeah, I-- I need to--”_

 

_“Hey, okay, calm down,” Daniel says, right beside him in the blink of an eye. Did it actually show? How bad he looked and felt? “Didn't do well, huh?”_

 

_Jaehwan takes his own time. Is this what regret feels like? What letting people down felt like? “Kind of?”_

 

_“Don’t worry, Hwan-ah; happens all the time. Look at me, I don’t do anything that perfectly.”_

 

 _“Are you kidding me?” Jaehwan scoffs, stepping back. “The whole nation-- hell, half of the_ world _loves you for what you do!”_

 

_“The same half loves you, too.” Daniel replies, smiling wide. “Let’s go to the rooftop tonight?”_

 

_Jaehwan ponders on the thought for a while. He wonders if it’ll be better if he just lets himself be free for a while. It was a place where the two had found peace and calmness in; away from their busy life._

 

_“Come on,” Daniel chides, leaning on the wall. “It’s been pretty long since we went there, right, right? We could have some soju, too.”_

 

_Jaehwan nods. “But we have to come for practice early in the morning,” He pouts. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realizes that he has got over his stress bout._

 

_“So? Don’t we do that all the time?”_

 

 _“We need_ sleep _,” Jaehwan glares at him, and Daniel snickers cheekily._

 

_“Okay, okay, let’s just go there though? You can’t deny that we do need a break by ourselves.”_

 

_Jaehwan shrugs, nodding along._

 

_Anywhere with Daniel is fine for him._

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

Jaehwan is surprised to find himself already on the way to the hospital. But at the same time, it isn't all that surprising either; after all, a heart can only contain so much.

 

Jaehwan wonders if he’ll ever be over Daniel; over his unrequited feelings for him. He knows the answer is right before him: in the way his heart rushes, hurts, the way he feels light and at home around him; but he hopes for something other than that.

 

It doesn’t take him that long to reach the hospital. As the distance closed in more and more, he could feel the nervousness and excitement in him growing. It’s surprising; whatever happened to all the will-power he mustered up to at least pretend to not be bothered by his unrequited love, he doesn’t know.

 

At the entrance, though, he pauses. What if he’s intruding? He didn’t tell Daniel or Jisung that he was going to come; it was out of sheer impulse. What if Daniel finds it uncomfortable to be around him? What if he doesn’t like it?

 

“Hyung?”

 

Woojin’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts of hesitation.

 

“You’re here?” Woojin asks again, walking closer to stand before him with a hand waving in front of him.

 

“Y-Yeah, got a break. That’s why,” He says, and his eyes go down to Woojin’s hands filled with two plastic bags. _Stupid, you didn’t even buy him anything, at least for courtesy_.

 

“Then why are you standing here?”

 

Jaehwan wonders. Why _was_ he standing here when he wants to go inside?

 

“Come on, let’s go in!”

 

And that is how Woojin drags him inside the building,on their way to find Daniel. Woojin walks faster and with much more excitement than Jaehwan, but that’s explainable as Woojin is a happy and outgoing person, though he doesn’t express that a lot around strangers. It might be called his _Wanna One Face_ , as dubbed by Daehwi.

 

He finds himself stopping again before the door, but now there’s no Woojin to coax him in. Now, now it’s just him and himself, hesitation growing with every passing second. Through the gap in the door left open by Woojin, he could see Daniel smiling widely, and something familiar fills his heart to the brim.

 

He feels so content, watching him just smile without any sadness hidden behind. He misses seeing that, and trying to find for that whenever he can.

 

No matter what he does, he knows he’ll always be attracted to him, like the two opposite poles of a magnet, with such force that he can’t escape even if he wants to.

 

Then why is he so hesitant to go inside?

 

He hears Woojin say “ _Seongwoo hyung!_ ” enthusiastically, and gets a reason for him to have stayed back. _Sees_ the reason too.

 

No matter how much he is attracted to Daniel, he is separated by a force much stronger than his. A force which he dares not to interrupt, a force that matches with Daniel’s more than he does.

 

Maybe it takes a while for the people inside to realize they were short of one person. He sees Woojin coming out, looking apologetic for forgetting about him.

 

Woojin beckons (forces) him inside, and that's how he find himself standing in the room, facing Daniel with a rather awkward grin.

 

Daniel smiles at him. It’s a weird feeling that grows inside him, something pleasurable and close to happy. He smiles back.

 

Smiles are contagious, and Jaehwan realizes that whenever he as much as looks at Daniel. The amount of happiness he exudes is overflowing, reaching out to everyone around him.

 

That is just who Daniel is. Someone who spreads happiness to others who are with him.

 

Maybe that’s exactly why he fell for him, too.

 

Jaehwan tries to pay attention to the conversation that’s going on, trying to avoid staring obviously at Daniel smiling.

 

For that one moment, he forgets that there was no problem between them.

 

“Doesn't anyone here feel hungry?” Daniel asks, and Jaehwan just chuckles while shrugging.

 

“How about we go and get something for all of us?” Seongwoo asks, standing up.

 

“Anything but the food here; _please_.” Daniel begs with a pout.

 

“You’ll have to do with it for now, though.” Seongwoo says with a mock frown, visibly trying to annoy him. “Fine, fine, you kid; we’ll go out and buy something.”

 

Jaehwan feels his own cheeks hurt a bit, trying to follow Daniel’s wide smile. It really _is_ contagious.

 

“Aren’t you coming with us, Jaehwanie hyung?” Woojin asks, and Jaehwan finds himself hesitating.

 

“Two people are _more_ than enough to carry take-outs, Woojin,” Seongwoo interrupts, and drags the boy out even before he could say anything else.

 

Daniel’s smile falters as everyone leaves, and somehow Jaehwan feels guilty for it.

 

“How are you feeling now?” Jaehwan asks, if to pretend the atmosphere of the room isn’t all that down.

 

“Better,” Daniel replies with a smile. "Much better than before."

 

“Let’s listen to something?” Jaehwan flips his phone out, scrolling through his playlist, trying not to look so awkward. He knows he needs to do  _something_ to break the silence, it's getting too much to bear anymore.

 

“Play ‘Always’?” Daniel requests, more like a question.

 

“‘Always’?”

 

“Produce 101's,” Daniel says, taking a deep breath. “It’s been so long since I listened to it.”

 

Jaehwan stares at him blankly for a while. _Always? Why that?_

 

‘Always’ was almost everyone’s favorite song, but nobody talked about it. It told too much about their untold wishes; it’s better to not talk about what was never going to happen. It’s been so long since Jaehwan listened to the song himself. It’s a really melancholic song, maybe because of the really happy-sounding music with the lyrics full of hopeful words that were never really true.

 

Then he thinks; it isn’t like Daniel is going to talk about anything, so just why was he hesitant?

 

“Fine.”

 

And so, he plays that.

 

He goes back to sit on a chair, this time much closer, beside Daniel. The latter beckons him even closer, putting a hand over his shoulder, a wide, satisfied smile on his face. Jaehwan is content by just looking at that.

 

It’s surprising, how he could still recognize all the voices, one by one. He thought he would’ve long forgotten everything about Produce 101, the show which took them to the place that they are at today. But no, maybe it’ll just be a part of him forever.

 

He realizes, maybe a bit late, that the arm around his shoulder tightens in its grip; a form of reassurance, he assumes. He dares not to look at Daniel; he’s worried if he’d break down at seeing him. All he does is put a hand through his hair, carding it, trying to give what Daniel hopes to have: comfort and assurance.

 

He suddenly doesn’t remember how they got to such a place. How they got _here_.

 

He also doesn’t remember when he went from sitting on a chair beside Daniel to practically sitting on the bed with him-- and Daniel’s face is buried in his shoulder. _What is even happening?_

 

“N-Niel-ah,” He stutters in vain, eyes wavering to the door and back to him, wondering why the other two were taking so much time to come back.

 

In his peripheral mind, it feels  _good_ , to be able to finally call him by a nickname. It feels good, the name rolling off his tongue. Familiar and nice.

 

“Don’t go,” He hears Daniel muffle into his shirt. “Please,”

 

It sounds a lot familiar to him; maybe too familiar that it sends shudders all through him.

 

It’s almost a surprise, how he remembers it with such clarity. That could be one of the most vivid memory he could ever have.

 

Those were the same words he heard the last time they were together as Wanna One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can obviously see, i didn't know how to end this chapter and just... vaguely left it otl im so sorry
> 
> thanks for liking the fic!! even with the turtle slow updates!! you're really the mvps <33
> 
> and I CANT WAIT FOR WANNA ONE'S NEW COMEBACK!!!!! my favs from the preview were Gold and Boomerang, wbu?


	8. ready to let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;; i hate that i have to start every chapter with an apology, but i'm slowly getting busy and college will start soon. i won't drop this fic, though! i'll surely continue it, except i can't assure you about the pace in which it'll move forward.

 

_ Their last concert had gotten over exactly two days ago. Jaehwan tries to compose himself as he looks at the empty rooms one by one, wondering just how much he'd miss this place. After all, this is where he grew into fame. With the ten people around him is how he found himself achieving his dream. _

 

_ Now, leaving them sounded just as much surreal as it felt. _

 

_ “Jaehwan?” _

 

_ He turns around to see Minhyun, ready with his backpack slung over one shoulder and a trolley case in his hand. _

 

_ “Hyung,” He replies, looking back at his room. “I want a room for myself,” _

 

_ Minhyun chuckles. “You’re gonna get a whole  _ apartment _ for yourself, and you’re sad about wanting your own room?” _

 

_ “I want you to come and scold me for keeping the room a mess,” He continues, smiling weakly. “I want Jisung hyung to come and force me to bed, Woojin to come and tell how noisy it is, and Daehwi to--” He feels something heavy in his throat, and clears it up. “-- to come and ask me for help with his compositions.” _

 

_ Goodbyes are hard, he realizes. _

 

_ Minhyun is silent for a few long minutes before placing a hand on his shoulder. “Hwan-ah, it’s--” _

 

_ “I want Daniel and Seongwoo hyung staying up with me, listening to what I say, and suggest. For the others to come and play with my stuff,” He feels his vision blur, and wipes his eyes off the tears. “Sorry, I was just--” _

 

_ “Being stupid and emotional, yeah,” Minhyun chuckles in vain. “We’ll all miss this place, Jaehwan-ah. Not just you. So it’s okay.” _

 

_ There’s an arm that wraps around his shoulders, pulling him away from the sight. _

 

_ “We might not be Wanna One anymore, but we’ll still be together.” _

 

_ Jaehwan smiles at that, nodding as he takes the last of his bags out. _

 

_ Jaehwan feels bad that he’s one of the first to move out of the dorm. He takes a long look at the now-empty apartment, and wonders why he didn’t feel this way when they moved to this apartment from the smaller one. _

 

_ Almost everyone had hugged him, and he had returned it back, but when it came to Daniel, he stood still. He didn’t know what to do. He wonders why he felt so awkward, as if he’s a stranger. _

 

_ Daniel envelops him in a hug nevertheless, and Jaehwan feels warm all over. But there’s something that sends a chill across his spine, like a sharp contrast with reality. _

 

_ “Don’t leave, please,” Daniel whispers into his shoulders, or so he thinks, and pulls away almost immediately, acting like nothing happened. _

 

_ For a long time, Jaehwan wondered what Daniel meant by that. Maybe it was just a emotional bout? Or just something that slipped out? _

 

_ Jaehwan reaches his new apartment, and never has he felt lonelier than he feels now. _

 

_ He wishes he had heard Daniel instead. He wishes nothing had happened, that they were still days away from the end of Wanna One, that they were still together. _

 

_ All he could do is wish, and nothing else. _

\ \ \

 

It feels like it’s been so long before Daniel pulls away, eyes trailed on the white sheets. Not once does he utter a word, or even look up at him.

 

It makes everything even more heavier.

 

“I’ll-- I’ll stay outside,” Jaehwan says and stands up swiftly, eyes hovering around the place.

 

He wonders where all the comfort went.

 

As soon as he steps outside, he bumps into Seongwoo, who’s carrying a plastic bag-- food, probably.

 

“Careful,” Seongwoo says, showing the plastic bag to him. “You’re leaving already?”

 

_ Got one _ . “Y-Yeah, the-- my manager just called me. Some recording, he said,” Jaehwan pretends to be nonchalant and shrugs. “I’ll stay back longer the next time. Bye!”

 

And he jogs. Runs. Because that is all he can do.

 

\- - -

 

Daniel simply wants to forget anything ever happened, but it's not as simple as he thought it would be.

 

Forgetting includes remembering, and it hurts.

 

He looks at the cast on his ankle, now a lot smaller, but still a painful reminder that everything had happened indeed. That Jisung was going to the military anyway. That Jaehwan was never going to see him again anyway.

 

“Come on, Niel-ah,” Seongwoo prompts him. “Are you really going to sulk all day?”

 

Daniel ignores him anyway, curling further into the blankets. “Go away,” he mutters low enough for Seongwoo to still hear it.

 

“You’re only missing out on  _ one week _ of promotions, Daniel. It’s okay,”

 

“No it’s  _ not _ ,” he says, feeling the lump in his throat grow even more. “I’m letting people down; I’m letting the  _ fans _ down,” he sighs, burying his face in the pillow as soon as he feels the tears pool in his eyes. “I just want to be alone.”

 

“No one’s stopping you from still going to the shows; you’ll just be backstage. And your fans will understand, Daniel. They always do.”

 

“Hyung, they  _ pay _ to watch me perform, that’s what I’m supposed to do. Not sit like this, breaking my leg because I was stupid and dumb to not be careful enough.”

 

Seongwoo opens his mouth to say something back, but couldn't find any words. Daniel knows that he won't be able to reply, because Seongwoo knows.

 

“You should go back, hyung. You’ll have other work to do.”

 

“No shit, sherlock, but  _ you’re _ important.” Seongwoo replies, standing up. “I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”

 

“I swear, you stay here more than at your own place.” Daniel chides playfully, at least attempting to not show his obvious frustration.

 

“What do I do,” Seongwoo sighs dramatically, “I just like you too much.”

 

Daniel stills unknowingly, the words replaying endlessly in his head.

 

“You like me?” He asks.

 

“Of course, why won’t I?” Seongwoo says from the door and disappears, leaving Daniel in his own trail of thoughts.

 

_ He likes me? _

 

He knows he might just be thinking too much, because that’s what he always does. But he cannot help but wonder,

 

_ Seongwoo… likes me? _

 

\- - -

 

“Really, hyung,” Sewoon starts, sipping on the coffee. “Are you sure you're fine?”

 

“Why do you keep asking that? Of course I am,” Jaehwan replies, going back to doodling mindlessly on his note.

 

It’s one of the few days where he could attend college as a normal person  _ should _ , and Sewoon joining the class today only had him happier that’s he’s having more relatable company.

 

“Well, we’ve been sitting here for the past hour and all we’ve talked is how we both are.” Sewoon deadpans, and Jaehwan ducks his head lower in embarrassment. “And you don't look okay, either. Did something happen?”

 

Jaehwan fiddles with the pen; doesn't know what to say. Sewoon didn't know about his crisis with feelings, didn't know about it  _ at all _ , so how can he ask Sewoon for help?

 

“Ever had a problem with feelings?” He settles with instead, looking straight at the younger. Sewoon shrugs, unsure in answering it.

 

“Well… not  _ exactly _ , but I’ve had feelings  _ and _ problems before. School crushes, y’know?” Sewoon says, sipping his iced americano. “And maybe while writing songs? That’s pretty much it.”

 

Jaehwan sighs, putting his head on the table. “I don't know,” he lets out a deep, exhausted breath. “I just… I don't  _ know _ what it is, and it still confuses me.”

 

“You know what to do,” Sewoon says after a sip, a finger pointing at him. “Put it in hypothetical situations. Look at it from a third person’s point of view.”

 

Jaehwan chuckles, and actually thinks about it. “Does it work?”

 

“It worked for me, but honestly it's up to your own perception,” Sewoon answers, tapping his pen on the note. “What about your album? Preparations going well?”

 

Jaehwan shakes his head for that as well. “Didn't record anything since yesterday,” He replies, putting his head in the table. “This is taking up all of my mind, and I’m just so frustrated--”

 

“Hyung,” Sewoon cuts him off. “If it bothers you that much, why don't you tell it?”

 

“I-I  _ can't _ , you won't know,”

 

“Well, not to me, but someone who might know?”

 

Jaehwan thinks. Who  _ else _ knew about his unrequited feelings for Daniel? From what he remembers, he didn't tell anyone about it.

 

“Oh,” Sewoon’s low hum cuts him off his thoughts, and soon he sees the younger pack up, talking into the phone simultaneously. “I’m so sorry, hyung, but it seems like I’ll have to go. Production team session,” he says, pulling his backpack over. 

 

Jaehwan nods understandingly, waving at him till he disappears behind the entrance. He knows he’ll sit there for a few more hours, maybe even until the shop closes for lunch. He had frequented the shop even before he hit limelight, so he knows the working hours of the shops.

 

He sits and ponders on what Sewoon said. If not himself, maybe someone else would be able to give an answer?

 

As if replying to his question, his phone starts ringing. He takes it out, curious and hopeful to see who it is.

 

“Woojin,” He huffs out, and is slapped with the same fact that made him miserable.  _ They did, I couldn't _ . “Hello? Woojinnie,” He answers anyway, leaning comfortably on the table.

“ _ Hi, hyung! How are you doing? _ ”

“I’m…” He stares at the half-full cup of iced americano before him. “Fine. As fine as I can be.”

“ _ Me and Jihoon were thinking about seeing you _ ,”

“Me?” Jaehwan asks, surprised. “Why, though?”

“ _ Daehwi’s busy at the company, and we really have nothing to do. So we decided to ldo some more composing! After Daehwi, you seem to know about it the best, so we thought we could do it with you. _ ”

Jaehwan feels flattered. “Well, I’m glad you think I’m good.”

“ _ Are you kidding? Everyone knows you’re great! _ ” Jihoon’s voice comes in all of a sudden. “ _ I’ve seen you, hyung, and you do really well! _ ”

Jaehwan smiles at that. “Whatever, Jihoon.”

“ _ So are you free now? Can we come over to your place? _ ”

Jaehwan hums in thought.  _ Why not? _ “Sure; when are you coming?”

 

\- - -

 

“Your house is  _ really _ nice, hyung!” Woojin says as soon as he settles on the couch.

 

“It’s nothing,”

 

“No, really! You get a whole  _ apartment _ for yourself!”

 

“A  _ small _ apartment” Jaehwan corrects him.

 

“Still, a whole apartment! You don’t have to wait behind anyone to wash up!”

 

Jaehwan lets himself laugh at the memories flooding his mind. “Well, I have to agree, that’s a benefit.”

 

“Didn’t you have your own room, even when we were together?” Jihoon asks. “Must be so good for you, I had to share with this messy guy.”

 

Woojin nudges him with his elbow. “Me? Messy?  _ You _ were the one who threw your clothes all over the floor!”

 

“Enough, you lovebirds,” Jaehwan says as he takes them to his composing room.

 

“You even made the room soundproof,  _ wow _ …” Woojin says, touching the foam pads stuck on the wall.

 

“Don’t act like you’ve never seen a soundproof room.”

 

“Yeah, but a room in a house?”

 

“Daehwi’s room.” Jaehwan deadpans, and Woojin scratches his head. “He did tell me he composes there, too. Also, our Zero base.”

 

“I was just impressed, okay? Daehwi never lets me inside his room anyway.” Woojin whines, and Jihoon goes “ _ Man, I miss Zero Base now _ ,” in the background.

 

Jaehwan simply chuckles and pulls out a bean bag from under the table. “This is kind of the only seat I have, so you’ll g\have to adjust--”

 

“It’s okay, hyung.” Woojin says, immediately taking the bean bag for himself.

 

“This jerk…” Jihoon whines as he sits on the floor next to Woojin, who sticks his tongue out playfully at him.

 

“You know, it doesn’t seem like you’re dating at all…” Jaehwan says. “You both still act the same way.”

 

“Well,” Jihoon looks at Woojin with a smile, and turns back to Jaehwan. “Why should we change?” Jaehwan tilts his head in confusion. “We just like each other a lot, but why should we change? We’re still ourselves. Love doesn’t have to change anything.”

 

“Wow, look who’s talking wise words,” Woojin says in mock awe, and Jihoon slaps his arm, soon picking at each other playfully.

 

Jaehwan watches over the two with a smile, thinking about himself.  _ If people in love don’t have to change, then why should I behave different? _

 

“Is that a Yamaha keyboard?” Woojin asks, hands already playing the keys.

 

“No,  _ no _ \-- don’t touch that!”

 

\- - -

 

Daniel looks at himself in the mirror, face dripping with water, eyes tired and  _ sad _ . He doesn’t even know why he’s like this, but he feels like he wants to cry.

 

At this point, he knows it’s stupid to expect anything; has known it for two years now, but it still hits him painfully like a particularly harsh wave, washing over his heart, trying to take the remnants of whatever was in there. He’s too scared to let it go, though; he’s scared if he’ll never be the same if he decides to let everything go. Those feelings were the only ones keeping him sane, and without them, he just might lose himself. Or at least he thought so.

 

He knew he has the habit of drowning himself in whatever he could do till his body gives up, and the feelings were the only thing keeping him from it, even if it's only a bit. It’s what keeps him going and at the same time, pulls him down.

 

He keeps his eyes on the mirror, focused on the tears welling up in his eyes. He doesn’t know if he’ll be okay if he lets it all out, or if he’ll just fall into despair again, like he always does. He wonders why it is always he that hurts more than anyone.

 

(If only he could see.)

 

He wipes his face off the water (and the tears camouflaged with it), doesn’t spare another look at himself and walks out straight to his room. His legs hurt from the pressure, but his mind is way above that to notice it.

 

He looks at his bed, the wall beside it filled with messily arranged polaroids. And, in the center of it all, a picture of the eleven. He takes the picture from the wall, a hand caressing over it. He takes a deep breath and opens the compartment under his bed, almost throwing the picture inside.

 

If he’s hurting, then he should be the one to find a cure for it. And the best cure is to not remember the cause of his pain.

 

He takes down every picture he stuck on the wall, along with the memories, and stashes them in the compartment. He hopes he doesn’t look at it again. Enough is enough.

 

It’s time to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the very late update :D i'll try my best to finish this as soon as i can, and to not make everyone wait! please accept my apology


	9. honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE SURPRISE IM ALIVE
> 
> for those who follow me on twt, im always alive otl BUT THE CHAPTER IS FINALLY READYYYYYYY

 

“Hyung,”

 

Jaehwan turns to look at Woojin sitting comfortably on the couch, with a fast asleep Jihoon resting on his lap. They had gotten bored with the studio equipments soon enough, and were at the living room, ordering chicken and talking about various things. It was a nice time for Jaehwan too, considering how he had been penting everything up inside him. It’s a good way to forget about it, at least for a while. It’s not like he can tell it to anyone.

 

“What is it?” He asks.

 

Woojin takes a deep breath, looks at his fidgeting palms, and turns back to Jaehwan. “Can you answer my question? Honestly,”

 

Jaehwan gulps, and there's an unsettling feeling in his heart. “Yeah,”

 

“Tell me the truth; just that” Woojin adds, sitting upright while being careful not to wake Jihoon up. “You… You have feelings for someone, don’t you?”

 

Jaehwan almost gasps. _How did he even know?_

 

“Uh—”

 

“There's no one around, you can tell the truth.” Woojin says. It’s suddenly strange, the air around them. This is an unknown situation to either of then. “And it’s Daniel hyung, isn’t it?” Woojin adds, and at this point Jaehwan knows it's futile to even try and hide the fact.

 

“... How did you know?” He asks. Might as well have someone who knows it instead of suffering alone.

 

“I… I can see, you know.” Woojin chuckles, looking at Jihoon. “You look at hyung like how I look at him. It’s obvious,”

 

Jaehwan’s eyes widen in surprise. “Was it that obvious?”

 

“No, not really, but I am known for having a quick eye to realize things,” Woojin nods. “So you do like him?”

 

Jaehwan sighs in dejection and nods. “At least now I don't have to wallow in sadness by myself; I could call you and talk to you.”

 

“Anytime, hyung.” Woojin says with a smile, and Jaehwan’s glad that at least _someone_ knows it. It’s hard to contain feelings all by yourself, without anyone to even talk to. “But how—?”

 

“How I ended up liking him?” Jaehwan asks, and Woojin smiles apologetically. “I wonder how; even I don't know. It just happened one day, I think.”

 

Woojin nods understandingly. “It was hell for me, having feelings for this oblivious guy.” Jaehwan tilts his head in confusion. “Being in the same room, acting like I don't wanna kiss him every other second. Absolute hell, I say.”

 

Jaehwan laughs. “You did that at concerts all the time.”

 

“Well, that’s fan service.”

 

“Our fans almost believed you guys were dating,” Jaehwan says. _And now you actually are dating_.

 

Woojin shrugs. “Maybe my feelings were that obvious. But _he_ didn't realize it until way later.”

 

“Daehwi said he was the one who made you two confess.”

 

Woojin laughs at that. “Yeah, by locking us in his room and not letting us out until he made sure we confessed. It was strange and we were both hungry, so I guess we just told each other.”

 

“That is the most strange confession I’ve ever heard.”

 

“We're different,” Woojin shrugs. "And we love each other."

 

Silence envelopes for a while, and Jaehwan finds himself looking at Woojin and Jihoon endearingly. He’s happy they could be with each other, without anything in between.

 

“You could tell him, you know,” Woojin says. “Just tell him; don't have to worry if he doesn't say anything back.”

 

Jaehwan takes a deep breath, stretching his arms. “It’s easy to say Woojin. But to actually do it… It’s hard.”

 

“What’s stopping you, though?”

 

“What stopped you from saying it for almost three years,” Jaehwan answers. “Losing the one best thing you have with you.”

 

 _Even if it is not actually there with you, anymore_ goes unsaid. Jaehwan thinks Woojin would understand it, probably.

 

\- - -

 

“You’re strangely…” Jisung tries to find the best word that fits, as he sees Daniel in the kitchen, stirring up some ramen for himself. “Energetic today.”

 

“Is it a wrong thing?”

 

“When I’ve seen you sulk more than sleep, yes, it is a bit strange.” Jisung sits on the chair near the dining table. “Give me some ramen.”

 

“I’m _hungry_ , and I’m still a patient. I need food.”

 

“Yeah, as if ramen has healing powers,” Jisung scoffs. Daniel shakes his head at him with a chuckle and goes back to check on the ramen.

 

Jisung goes to take the pot when he finds Daniel struggling with one hand. Daniel shares a thankful smile and sits down, taking a mouthful immediately and wincing after realizing how hot it is.

 

Jisung shakes his head and takes a tissue out of nowhere. “You’re still a kid,” He says, handing the tissue to him. ”Wait for it to cool down.”

 

“But it tastes nice when it's hot,” Daniel pouts.

 

“Do you want to burn your mouth and not eat anything for days?” Daniel shakes his head at the question. “Then wait,”

 

“Sometimes you act like a strict dad,” Daniel says after a couple seconds of silence.

 

Jisung smiles weakly. He finds himself being content, watching Daniel eat and talk to himself.

 

“I…” He hates breaking this comfortable atmosphere they have, but he knows he has to say this sooner or later. “I told you, right, that I’m gonna enlist.”

 

Daniel hums nonchalantly, which surprises Jisung. _Is he the same person who cried over it last time?_

 

“I’m enlisting in two months,” Jisung says.

 

Daniel visibly pauses for a moment before going back to eating ramen again. “Okay,” He says simply. “Be careful, and don’t hurt yourself.”

 

Jisung laughs in bewilderment. _Whatever happened to him?_   “You-You’re okay?”

 

“You told it last time; it isn’t like I can expect you to stay.” Daniel reasons, shrugging like it’s nothing. “And it’s not like I can do anything either, so,”

 

Jisung just looks at him wordlessly for a while. _What happened?_ is the first question that  comes to his mind, but he’s too afraid to ask that. Daniel looks almost back to how he usually was, and he doesn't want to break it apart.

 

He just hopes this isn't a fleeting phase.

 

\- - -

 

After Woojin and Jihoon had bid their goodbyes, Jaehwan was left all alone once again. He wonders why he didn't live with his parents when they lived in the same city.

 

He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling as Woojin’s words replay in his mind.

 

“ _Maybe that was my fear, but I did overcome it in the end. I didn't expect for things to turn out good, so maybe it will do the same to you._ ”

 

Jaehwan sighs, a low breath from deep inside. He’s conflicted. He wonders if he was right by always trying to move away than observe from near.

 

What if Daniel likes him, too?

 

/ / /

 

_“It’s late, Hwan-ah,”_

 

_Jaehwan wakes up from his slumber, realizing the not-ideal position he was sleeping in, guitar on his lap with his head hung down till his chest._

 

_Daniel chuckles, shakes his head and walks near to him, taking the guitar from his hand. “Go sleep. We have a flight tomorrow.”_

 

_“Yeah,” He replies, rubbing his eyes sleepily. It’s better if he sleeps, he supposes, knowing how hard it’ll be later on._

 

_Jaehwan doesn't notice Daniel lingering around for longer than expected, clearing this and that from the floor. “You need your music note?” Jaehwan nods blankly, barely registering what he asked. “And your pick box?” Jaehwan nods again._

 

 _Jaehwan is almost,_ almost _asleep when he hears something rustle right beside his ear. He blearily opens his eyes, trying to process what’s happening. When he realizes it, it wakes him up completely, and Daniel’s gone by then. He’s left with no voice to call him, or a mind to process it properly._

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

“You should heal perfectly well in about a week or so,” Daniel listens partially to what the doctor says, nodding with a blank face. “But you should attend the therapy sessions for another week. Just to make sure you don't strain it too much.”

 

There's resigned aggressiveness in the words spoken, and Daniel knows for a fact that a lot of idols— especially the overworking ones like himself— frequented this person.

 

He nods again, and bows a little before making his way out.

 

“Did you hear him? You shouldn't strain yourself too much,” Hyeonsoo, his manager, says in a worried tone. “But the good part is, maybe you could start promoting sooner than what we expected!”

 

Daniel gives the smile he knows the latter is expecting, after which he is left alone. He assures the manager that he’d be just fine, and that he’d be careful about stuff. The latter leaves him reluctantly, telling him over and over again to be careful.

 

He first drives to the convenience store to buy some beer, after which he goes straight to the Han river. He passes by the skating area, the sight lasting for a second longer and a smile trudging its way up his face.

 

Even if he wants to forget, he could never.

 

/  / /

 

_“Yeah-Yeah, just that way!” Daniel says as he pushes Jaehwan’s back, while the latter lets out a loud yelp skating down the path._

 

_“How the hell-- ah!”_

 

_Daniel laughs and runs after him, helping him stand back up. “That was better than last time,” he says, although still laughing at the fall._

 

_“Yeah, I know that.” Jaehwan replies in an obviously mocking tone. “Do I have to learn to skate? I can manage with other playful stuff!”_

 

 _“It’s_ fun _,” Daniel insists. “Also it’ll be cool in the video we’ll be shooting for ‘Kangaroo’.”_

 

_“Yeah, right. As if you and Woojin don't make it look cool enough.” Jaehwan laughs, and Daniel shoots a bright smile._

 

_The smile stays on Jaehwan’s face, like it always does, and Daniel feels his heart skip a beat. He ignores it, ignores his heart demanding attention to the fact he’s trying hard to avoid._

 

_“Let’s try that again?” He asks nonchalantly._

 

_His heart skips a beat again when Jaehwan nods with a smile._

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

Jaehwan doesn't even remember the fact that his new song is releasing that day until his phone rings with a number of kakao messages.

 

He had somehow managed to record all the songs on time, and the producer had looked at him gladly, telling he did well. He didn't say it was the best, and Jaehwan noticed that.

 

He’s too tired to ponder over it, what with the emotional exhaustion he’s had for these few days. _Too tired_ , he says to himself. _Too fucking tired_.

 

He reads the messages a good hour after the ringing had died down. All of them are familiar names and messages: Sewoon, Hyunbin, Donghyun, Woojin, Jihoon, his classmates, his parents, and one of his professors. He smiles at the thought of graduating from college that year, and opens the next message.

 

_From: Niel_

_Your new song is nice._

 

It’d be a lie to say if he wasn't shocked from the message. He read the message over and over, wondering if he’s the one reading it wrong. But no, it was really Daniel, from his new number, who sent that message.

 

He’s flustered, thinking of what reply would be good and not too exposing of his feelings. He remembers Sewoon saying _I could see you being stressed through your messages, hyung_ , and knows that he really does tend to express his feelings in the way he texts.

 

In the end, he settles for a simple _Thank You_ after an hour of contemplating. He presses the _send_ icon and waits anxiously, although he doesn't exactly know what he’s waiting for.

 

His phone pings again, and he checks it hurriedly, only to see a message from his manager.

 

_From: Kwon hyung-nim_

_Your live showcase is tomorrow. Take good rest, okay? And the song came out really good, didn't it?_

 

He sighs and replies a _Yeah_ before throwing his phone on the couch, lying on the carpet.

 

He doesn't exactly know why he’s worrying so much for a message, when he has decided over and over that he won't be complicating anything with Daniel again.

 

He sleeps off like that, not bothering about the muscle pain he’ll be having the next day. He doesn't see the reply that comes way later, while he’s fast asleep.

 

\- - -

 

Seongwoo heard his phone ringing, and groans in frustration. He hasn't gotten more than five hours of sleep in almost two days, and he’s _hungry_ and currently getting his breakfast ready, his stomach growling so loud he’s worried if his neighbor would hear it.

 

He looks at the phone, and grunts even more when he sees Daniel’s name. “What is it?” He asks.

 

“ _Where are you?_ ” Daniel asks.

 

“At home; why?”

 

“ _Can I come to your place; like, now?_ ”

 

Seongwoo furrows his brows in confusion. It isn't like Daniel doesn't come to his place, but he rarely asks it himself. Mostly, it’s Seongwoo who drags him and forces him to crash at his place because they can get more privacy and freedom to talk about stuff which Seongwoo is sure that Daniel doesn't want to tell anyone else.

 

“Why? I mean, yeah, sure you can, but—”

 

“ _I’ll be there soon. Thanks hyung!_ ” and the call ends at that. Seongwoo looks at the phone in confusion, shrugging and going back to making his sandwich.

 

Daniel arrives at his apartment in exactly twenty-three minutes (not like Seongwoo was counting; he just remembers the time Daniel called him and calculated), a indecipherable look on his face. Seongwoo sits across him confusedly on the floor, munching on his sloppily made egg sandwich.

 

“Well,” Seongwoo breaks the silence and starts the conversation. “What is it?”

 

“Can’t I come because I wanna see you?” Daniel asks back with a pout.

 

Seongwoo laughs as he ruffles his hair. “Yeah, of course you can,” he says. “But I know there's something up for you to come here now. So, what is it?”

 

Daniel looks at Seongwoo and gulps. He had a lot of thoughts, actually, but he finds himself hesitating to tell them out loud.

 

What made him want to come here, anyway?

 

“Yah, I asked you a question!” Seongwoo says, throwing a pillow at him.

 

“I-I just came because I want to—”

 

“Oh, shut up,” Seongwoo cuts him off, standing up to wash his hands. “I know you so much now that I can practically pass as your boyfriend,” He adds, eyes on the washbasin.

 

Daniel knows it’s stupid, but he gets stuck on the point. _Boyfriend_ . Did Seongwoo really mean it? _Would_ Seongwoo mean it?

 

“Hyung,” he calls, waiting for Seongwoo to turn around. “Do you…”

 

He pauses; finds himself hesitating to say the rest. He’s worried if he’ll start hoping again. If he’ll start loving again.

 

One time has brought him enough suffering; he doesn't want it all over again; he’s _afraid_ of it all happening again.

 

“Do I…? What, Niel?”

 

 _Well_ , Daniel thinks, _Since I started it, might as well end it_. “Hyung, be honest with me,”

 

“What is it, though?”

 

“Do you…” Daniel takes a deep breath; straightens himself for an answer. “Do you like me?”

 

“Of course I do, what kind of a question is—”

 

“Not in that way,” Daniel cuts him off. “As in, as someone….” _Oh god, this is so awkward_ . “As in, like someone _more_ … than a friend. Do you like me in _that_ way?”

 

\- - -

 

It’s the day of his showcase, and Jaehwan tries to find some reason to blame his nervousness for. He always gets nervous during times like this, because he’s showing something new to everyone, which he doesn't know how it will be perceived by the ones watching it. It’s like a rebirth, one time after another.

 

He doesn't want to admit that it’s because he’s nervous about a particular someone watching it.

 

He had received a simple ‘ _good luck, hyung! rock the stage!_ ’ from Woojin a few hours ago, and a voice note from Minhyun telling him to give his best.

 

Absolutely nothing since the message last night from Daniel.

 

And yet, Jaehwan finds his heart pick up speed at the mere thought of that name.

 

 _You can do this_ , he tells himself over and over. _You can do this. You’ve done this all the time, of course you can do this_.

 

“Ready, Jaehwan?” He turns to the thankful distraction of his manager and nods curtly. “Really? You look a bit pale…”

 

“N-No?” He tries to deny, but then again, he _is_ tried and it probably shows. Sewoon had always told  his feelings were so visible.

 

“I told you to sleep well last night. Anyways, you’re coming out in ten minutes. Be ready, and give it all you can.”

 

Jaehwan nods, and he is left alone around the buzz of outfits and hair dryers and muffled talking about the schedule and how it should be perfectly coordinated to not make any mistakes.

 

Jaehwan laughs a little at that. There is nothing without a mistake. Every action, every single thing in the world had a flaw about it. There was nothing perfect; there would always be one thing that will bring it all down.

 

And perhaps for him, his biggest mistake was having a heart for someone who might never see it.

 

Taking a deep breath, he stands up, phone clutched firmly in his hand. He could call Daniel like a normal _friend_ , he could do that. No other intentions, just _friends_.

 

But when he is so close to it, he pauses. He’s afraid, he’s nervous, he’s everything he doesn't _want_ to be. He tries forcing himself, but stops anyway, the force too much to ignore.

 

It’d be better if he just doesn't talk to him at all, wouldn't it?

 

“ _Going up in five!_ ” He hears someone shout, and he sighs, throwing his phone on the couch and walking towards the door.

 

\- - -

 

Daniel and Seongwoo stand facing each other, varying looks on their faces. Seongwoo looks like he’s been betrayed, or worse, like he’s been _killed_.

 

Daniel stands uncomfortably nonchalant.

 

“W-What?” Seongwoo says, sounding like he’s choking on air. “What the hell, Daniel?!”

 

“ _Answer_ me, hyung,” He stresses, trying to hide any form of discomfort. Even the mere thought of being more than close friends with Seongwoo makes him want to run away.

 

But why is he asking that? Is he really that desperate to have _something_ to distract him, and Seongwoo seemed the best choice before him?

 

“ _No_ , god no, I can't even _think_ — I can't even _fathom_ the idea of liking you in that way, god,” Seongwoo speaks in choked gurgles, and Daniel finds himself sighing, partly in relief and partly in dejection.

 

Relief, because the one worry he had was not there anymore. Dejection, because the one thing which could probably distract him from his pathetic heart was no more.

 

“How did you come to that conclusion _anyway_?” Seongwoo asks.

 

Daniel bites his lips, knowing he cannot escape the question. “Uh— that is— you do say that you like me a lot, t-that’s why…”

 

“I mean it in a _brotherly_ way! Not in any _lifetime_ can I think of… of _dating_ you. Oh _god_ , save me,” Seongwoo exasperates, acting dramatic enough that makes Daniel laugh.

 

Even in weird and awkward situations like these, Seongwoo manages to make him smile. Daniel wonders what it’ll be like to date Seongwoo instead; he might at least be happy.

 

“I like someone else anyway, so in no world would I like you,” Seongwoo tells in passing, but Daniel’s ears get caught on that.

 

“You… like someone else?” He asks. Seongwoo bites his tongue, realizing that he got caught; like a reindeer caught in the headlights.

 

“Ah, you-you weren't supposed to hear that…” His voice trails off, weak and almost incoherent. “It’s nothing, Daniel. Just a stupid crush, it’ll—”

 

“Who is it?” He asks, avoiding all the roundabout talks.

 

“... I can’t not tell you, now can I?” Seongwoo laughs, sounding defeated and like giving up. “You know him.”

 

“ _Who_ is it, hyung?”

 

Daniel doesn't know why he’s suddenly demanding and bossy, but he finds himself worrying more and more for Seongwoo.

 

“Really, it’s nothing serious.”

 

“Answer me honestly, hyung. I promise I won't tell anyone.” Daniel assures, feeling a sense of deja vu hit him.

 

“It’s…” Seongwoo sighs, hands fiddling nervously. “It’s Minhyun.”


	10. seesaw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaHAA im back and alive (if you follow me on twt you would know im well alive hehe)  
> anyways! hope this chapter and the build up makes up :D 
> 
> and OWO SO MANY KUDOS AND HITS THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE MWAH I LOVE YOU GUYS >w<

 

Jaehwan doesn't know why, but he finds himself feeling emptier with every passing day. It’s almost like he lost a part of himself, and walks around in vain, never able to be himself.

 

He gets down the stage, leaning against the wall near the exit. Who even decided that using choreography for his new song would be good? It only leaves him exhausted.

 

There are still a few more stages from other artists left, and then comes the end of the show. He will have to wait till then, and especially because he is nominated for first place. At least that makes him a bit happy, that the public are liking his songs so much to vote for him now.

 

He also remember that he  _ isn't _ all that free today, and tries remembering his other schedules; laughs at how some things never change. Like his bad memory when it comes to schedules

 

“Hyung, what’s the next schedule?” He asks his manager.

 

“A radio show, and a meeting with the producer. That’s it, I guess.” The manager replies, looking through his phone. “Yup, that’s it.”

 

Jaehwan hums, continuing it with a song that came to his mind. He ponders over it for a long time, because he is sure he knows the song. It’s familiar,  _ very _ familiar, but Jaehwan couldn't remember it completely. The melody remained in his head, constantly playing over and over. He lets it sit in the back of his mind, blindly going through his mobile.

 

He smiles at Woojin’s message, which says ‘ _ i voted for u from every phone i could find so u better get that first place!!! _ ’ and reads the rest, trying not to let his eyes linger on the one he wants to see so badly. It’s become a need rather than a curiosity now, him checking his chats just to see if Daniel had replied. There's been radio silence from him after that one night, and Jaehwan’s beginning to think it was a mistake; a blind mistake. Maybe Daniel has another friend whose name starts with the same letter, and maybe that was meant for them instead of him. Daniel was always a jovial, friendly person, gaining pretty wide connections, partly due to his position as the center of the nation’s then hottest group (still the center of attention), so maybe he had a singer friend who released a song the same day as him.

 

He sighs, dumping his phone beside him yet again.

 

There’s just no  _ hope _ .

 

As if a signal sent out of the blue, his phone vibrates with a new message

 

_ From: Daniel _

_     All the best for your stage today! _

 

He looks at it, keeps looking at it, wondering if its just his mind in overdrive showing that message. But no, it was the same for the whole time he was staring at it. He raises his eyebrows with suspicion, wondering if it's even real.

 

Nevertheless, the message  _ does _ give him a little boost in energy, just a little, but a boost nonetheless.

 

He finds himself going up the stage with a smile, and feels a bit happier, even if he doesn't win the first place.

 

\- - -

 

Seongwoo checks whether Daniel is really sleeping, and lets out a sigh in relief when he confirms that he is.

 

_ This hopeless idiot _ , Seongwoo thinks to himself, hands reaching out very carefully.

 

It is one of the more frequent days where Daniel visits Seongwoo more than the other way round, sometimes even attending schedules from his place. Seongwoo knows that whatever happened, Daniel’s coming to him because he is probably the only other one who knows about his secret now. Jisung would be going for his enlistment soon, and Daniel can only turn to Seongwoo.

 

It should be fine, he seems happy and good enough, but Seongwoo knows what lies under that smile. He is not called Daniel’s closest friend for nothing, after all. He could see through him very well, even if Daniel was someone who tended to hide his heavier emotions rather than express them.

 

Seongwoo reaches for Daniel’s phone, and takes it away very carefully.

 

He really hopes his plan would work.

 

He had did this last time, too, and Daniel had not found out yet (he would have if he ever checked his messages). He tip toes outside to the living room, leaving the guy to get some rest.

 

It’s a very simple, almost foolproof plan. He isn't sure when he thought of this, but he’s  _ glad _ that he did. At least this way, he could get Daniel back some of his happiness. (If he ever checks his messages, that is. But still, Seongwoo hopes this is a good idea.)

 

He opens the messages, and types the words out carefully, as if the glass would break if he pressed any harder.

 

_ To: Jaehwan _

_     All the best for your stage today! _

 

He smiles a little as he presses send, the adrenaline rushing through.

 

He hopes, hopes, and could only hope.

 

He goes back inside the room, eyes set on Daniel to make sure he isn't waking up. As much of a sleeper Daniel was, he was a very sensitive sleeper when it came to short naps. He was watching some video as far as Seongwoo remembers, and had fell asleep like that.

 

He keeps the phone beside its owner again, and is ready to walk out when he hears something.

 

“Hyung?” Daniel looks at him, still half-sleepy and probably confused. “You needed something?”

 

_ Damn _ , Seongwoo thinks.  _ Think of something! _ “U-Uh, no? Just came to check on you,” He manages, forcing a smile. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“Well, my neck hurts? Nothing much, probably because of the bad posture,” He yawns, stretching his hands. “Right, I should go to the company; they told they needed to talk about something.”

 

“Should I drop you?” Seongwoo offers. “Don't have to disturb your manager.”

 

Daniel thinks for a moment, lips pursed. “Yeah; don’t wanna disturb hyung. He already has to accompany two other schedules today.”

 

Seongwoo nods along, humming in agreement. “Well, get ready soon; I’ll drop you off.”

 

“Give me ten minutes,”  He murmurs under his breath as he gets up, stretching his arms and legs from the sleepiness.

 

It takes less than ten minutes for him to come out, and by then Seongwoo’s ready with whatever decent thing he could pull out from his laundry set, and they both set off.

 

“I keep sleeping off at your place,” Daniel starts, staring into his palms. “Sorry, hyung.”

 

“It's okay, Niel. I can understand; it's just like what we did back then.”

 

Seongwoo sees Daniel smile at the memory, and feels himself become happier. “Do you remember when we did the puppy pile? You, me and Jisung hyung?”

 

“Of course; and it wasn't just us, too, yknow. Everyone started joining,”

 

“And soon it was all of us,” Seongwoo adds with a small laugh, reminiscing the times. “We had so much fun together, right?”

 

“ _ Especially _ when it came to food; we truly were one! I don't even know how, someone might have ate something just a few minutes ago, but we all will  _ still _ be hungry at the same time!” Daniel talks enthusiastically. “And we ate three servings  _ each _ , wow.”

 

“Those days were fun,” Seongwoo says, and lets silence envelop them once more. “I wish we could be like that again.”

 

Daniel hums in agreement, visibly drowning in his thoughts yet again. Seongwoo thinks maybe he’s been around him too much to know when Daniel’s even thinking something.

 

Sometimes, he’s glad that Daniel is his closest friend. School and college friends were one thing, but having someone who could at least remotely relate to your stresses and could empathize, someone you could confide in with trust is even more nice. And he hopes that Daniel would be glad, too.

 

Sooner than expected, Seongwoo finds themselves reaching Daniel’s company headquarters. He checks if Daniel has a mask with him, just to be sure, and indeed he has it.

 

“Thanks, hyung!” Daniel says curtly before running out, almost looking like he is skipping with joy.

 

Seongwoo smiles as he drives away, hoping for nothing but the best in life for his best friend.

 

\- - -

 

“ _ What? _ ”

 

Jaehwan flinches at Woojin’s voice, even if it is only through the phone.

 

“ _ What do you mean— _ ”

 

“It’s… exactly what I told,” Jaehwan cuts him off, not wanting to hear that again. It just makes everything feel more real.

 

“ _ They didn't even ask you before deciding? _ ”

 

“We know how good of a management mine has,” Jaehwan almost scoffs as he tells that. “I didn't think through and signed with them. No, they did  _ not _ ask me once if this is okay.”

 

“ _ Man, that’s… _ ”

 

There’s a pause, and Jaehwan knows Woojin is trying not to put much light into the situation.

 

“I honestly—” He starts, but the words get stuck in his throat. “— I-I don't know what to do. Really.”

 

“ _ Really, I wish you could have a say in your album works except for the producing part _ .” Woojin says, and Jaehwan could practically see the dejected face he would have. “ _ But there's nothing to do now, so just be how you always would be? I don’t know, I’ve never come across such a situation. _ ”

 

“Yeah,” Jaehwan says dejectedly, worry written all over his face. “I guess I’ll figure something out… Thanks, Woojinie.”

 

“ _ For what? I told you, you could always call me whenever you want to. _ ” The younger replies, and the call ends at that.

 

Jaehwan feels a tad bit better, but that isn't enough to overcome his greater worry right now.

 

It’s a very ironic situation, the one he finds himself in right now. He remembers exactly how his worry contradicts his own promise back then, and he could only laugh at that.

 

/ / /

 

_ “You know…” Daniel starts, fiddling with his blankets. _

 

_ It’s another day in a new city— Singapore, Jaehwan thinks clearly, the flashes of the crowd whizzing past his eyes. He did prepare himself for a long tour around the world, their first and last world tour as Wanna One, but the homesickness is somewhat too much to bear. He’s glad he isn't all alone, though, even if he is rooming alone. He is with Daniel, who had become more of a partner-in-crime and a reliable shoulder rather than just a friend, something which developed over the time they spent together during the filming (and even without the cameras around them), getting more comfortable with each other. _

 

_ “What?” _

 

_ “After we disband,” Daniel says with a low voice, knowing it might hit a string or two in their hearts. “I think we should debut together.” _

 

_ Jaehwan hums in thought. “Well, it isn't all that impossible, if you think of it,” He feeds in to the thought, laughing half-heartedly and realizing there is very little possibility to it. “We're somewhat under the same company; if we push some lines, who knows, maybe we could actually debut together.” _

 

_ Jaehwan knows he’s talking almost nonsense; there's really no way they could debut together. Even if Daniel’s primary company was a subsidiary of his own’s, it was not possible. The public have their expectations, and the companies would mostly try to satisfy that than experiment with something new. _

 

_ “Maybe,” Daniel hums along, a smile playing in his face. Jaehwan’s glad he could at least do that— make Daniel smile. “Or at least, let’s do a feature in each other’s songs.” _

 

_ Jaehwan laughs at that. “What, I’ll rap in your mixtape?” _

 

_ “Who knows?” Daniel says playfully. “But really, if you debut solo, count me in for featuring in one of your songs. I’ll always be ready.” _

 

_ Jaehwan nods and joins a high-five, virtually locking the words. An untold promise. _

 

_ But he didn't know back then, that it would become so difficult to even think about it in the near future. _

 

\ \ \

\- - -

 

“ _ What? _ ” Daniel stands, probably looking dumbfounded than surprised. “What you mean you decided that I’ll feature in— in  _ Jaehwan’s _ album?”

 

“Well, what’s done is done,” His manager, Hyeonsoo, brushes it off, not even minding the petrified look Daniel has on his face. “The board is meeting you to tell that, so act a bit surprised. Don’t tell them that I spoiled the surprise!”

 

“But— But  _ hyung _ —” Daniel tries to argue, but feels the words get stuck in his throat.

 

“ _ If you debut solo, count me in for featuring in one of your songs. I’ll always be ready _ ,” His own words echo in his head, stopping any and all arguments, all backfires he had at the tip of his tongue.

 

He  _ asked _ for this, but yet here he is, more hesitant than ever to go ahead with it.

 

If you had asked him anything on this lines back when they were together as Wanna One, he would have nodded his head till it almost falls off; he was  _ that _ excited to continue with the members. But not now.

 

It’s not the others, it’s  _ him _ .

 

Before he realizes, Daniel is pushed inside the conference room filled with some producers he knows and some new, and the CEO’s assistant.

 

“So, I’m sure your manager would have told everything by now, considering how long it took for you to come inside,” The old man smiles, and Daniel could only force one as a reply. “Anyways, along with the collaboration, we have also decided for you two to go on a show together—”

 

“ _ Excuse me? _ ” He cuts the elder off, only to receive disapproving looks. “I-I’m sorry, but a  _ show _ ?”

 

“Why not? It will be better promotion, for both the artists. And you can show your close friendship and garner the attention of your older fans. It’s a win-win situation, Daniel.”

 

Daniel gulps, unsure of what to say. He has never told anyone in the company about his relationship with the other members, nevermind hoe close or far it was. And with Jaehwan?

 

It is practically  _ impossible _ .

 

“W-What show is this? That we're about to be a part of?”

 

“Nothing much, just the two of you roaming around some destination. I’m sure you'll have a few places in mind.” The man brushes it off, waving his hands away. “So that’s it; just get ready for more promotion period. And maintain a good face.”

 

“But—”

 

“But what?” The man asks, and Daniel finds himself struggling to say the words.

 

“Y-You didn't ask me if I wanted to do it,” He tells it in a low but firm voice, a thousand scenarios rushing through his head. What if he was told to have talked against the CEO himself? What if his career is ruined because of this? What will he do—

 

“It just happened in the spur of a moment; and we asked Jisung. He told you guys were really close, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem.” The man replies, and Daniel is left with absolutely no words.

 

_ Jisung _ , the name glares in his mind, burns and fuels his anger.

 

\- - -

 

“ _ Hyung! _ ”

 

Jisung is almost startled when Daniel rushes through the dorms, his loud voice still echoing against the walls. “What is it now?”

 

“Why?” Daniel asks, and Jisung finds himself surprised more at the look Daniel gave him than the question itself.

 

“‘Why’ what?” He asks back.

 

“Don’t act like you don't  _ know! _ ” Daniel sound close to screaming, and Jisung looks around to find the other members gathering to the room.

 

“Daniel, I really don't know what you’re talking about,” Jisung says as calmly as he could manage.

 

“You told,” Daniel takes a pause, a deep breath in to calm himself down. “You told we were close. That  _ we _ , were  _ close _ . And told them I was ready to-to be in a  _ show _ with him?”

 

“Yah, you should be thankful that you get an individual schedule even if you didn't promote with us last time!” Jinhyuk, one of the other members, points out.

 

“I  _ know _ ! I know that, and I know what  _ my _ problem with it is. So please, don’t come in between.” Daniel replies sharply, unintentional but he doesn't have the mind to think through it right now. “Jisung hyung, tell me. Why did you tell that?”

 

“But— I  _ really _ don't know who you’re talking about—”

 

“ _ Jaehwan! _ ” He yells out, eyes looking directly at Jisung. “Who  _ else _ would I be fretting over like this, hyung?”

 

And in one, exact moment, it all clicks. The call. The questions. The reasons given for it. “I-I really didn't know it was for that!”

 

“Stop lying, hyung,” Daniel asks, and there is something about his voice that pulls Jisung’s heart. “You always do that. Tell the truth, at least  _ now _ .”

 

“But I  _ am _ telling the truth!” He replies, reaching out to hold Daniel’s hands.

 

But he never reaches it.

 

He only watches, mind helplessly blank as Daniel takes a step back, turns and walks out of the house, probably towards the rooftop. Where he always goes.

 

“Hyung,” Hyeonsoo calls out, making Jisung focus more on what is happening. “I think you should go.”

 

He looks at the other three blankly and nods, jogging after in the direction Daniel went in, ignoring the murmurs behind him.

 

He’s glad his hunch was right, because he does find Daniel sitting there, in one of the corners, hiding into his knees.

 

“Niel,”

 

“ _ Don’t _ ,” Daniel says with a stern voice, looking up at Jisung. Even under the dim moonlight, Jisung could see the tears pooling in the younger’s eyes. “Don’t try telling a lame excuse. This isn’t some— some  _ matchmaking _ game or something, no. Don’t try to put us together, hyung. You  _ and _ Seongwoo hyung.”

 

“Seongwoo?” He asks, confused at the mention. Why did he come in between this?

 

“I know he’s been sending messages from my phone to Jaehwan,” Daniel exasperates, burying his face into his knees again. “I don't  _ want _ you guys to try forcing us together, hyung. Why can't you just—”

 

“Wait— You think I did this-this thing intentionally?” Jisung cuts him off. “Let me tell you what happened, and then you can decide. I was packing my stuff today to send to my house, and manager hyung called me and suddenly asked me about the relationship with the other members. I thought he was asking for  _ me _ , so I told them we were pretty close.” He explains, reaching out to hold Daniel’s hand. “It  _ wasn't _ on purpose, Niel-ah. I-I didn't think they’d take that answer for the both of us!”

 

“Hyung,” Daniel finally looks up after a long moment of silence. “Hyung, what will I do? I-I have to  _ be _ around him now, more than ever, and with cameras around. Just for us. W-What should I do, hyung?”

 

Jisung takes one look at Daniel’s forlorn face and pulls him into a hug. “It’s… It’ll be okay, Niel. You never know what might happen.”

 

“I-I don’t know, hyung,” Daniel says, pulling himself away. “What if he hates me for agreeing to… to  _ this _ ?”

 

The cool breeze around them blows, monotonous and colorless. It makes them feel even more lonely, makes  _ Daniel _ feel lonely. Even with the apparent push-and-pull game (which, by the way, is not  _ his _ doing), he knows he and Jaehwan are not exactly on… terms, now. Once they were, on the best terms ever, but ever since they separated, nothing had been the same.

 

Well, except for his heart. Everything had changed except for his heart towards Jaehwan, still bubbling and flowing with a love so  _ full _ that it’s almost painful.

 

If Daniel had knew love would be like this, he wonders if he would have ever let himself experience it.

 

In the back of his mind, an answer glows clear and bright: He would.

**Author's Note:**

> do come and yell at me on my twitter [typical_fangrl](http://www.twitter.com/typical_fangrl) or my cc [typicalfangrl](http://www.curiouscat.me/typicalfangrl)


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